theology&geometry

Me: my mom is wanting me to have a baby shower in my hometown, and she wants to invite some childhood friends i haven’t seen in 10+ years

Nick: nice
that’ll be fun for you

here’s a plan
invite them
all of them
shove a water balloon up between your legs
bust it right when you walk in
be all like. oh no my water broke

leave
your good

Me: yes, i’m sure that will be the end of that

Nick: fill it with cherry koolaid to really freak everyone out

me: i’m revoking your license

Nick: i’m like dr. fucking phil
or vanilla ice
you got a problem
i’ll solve it
check out the hook
while my dj revolves it

Nick: we keep running police briefs that refer to those coke bottles used to make meth as “labs”
and it’s pissing me off
it’s like calling my scrotum a babymaking lab
me: HA
aren’t they called shake-n-bakers or something?
not your balls
although …
Nick: yeah
me: yeah

Nick: i’m off work today
me: awesome
big plans?
Nick: might catch a movie
me: “babies”?
it’s not a porno
sorry
Nick: i think we’re gonna go see robin hood
this is what happens when people who don’t share similar interests try to go to a movie
me: it’s going to be terrible
have fun
Nick: i know
it might not
it’ll mostly be forumula
me: isn’t it getting terrible reviews?
Nick: i dont know
me: russell crowe plays an autistic gladiator who steals from the rich and gives to cigarette companies
Nick: oh wow. it’s 45 percent on rotten tomatoes
me:better than i figured
Nick: maybe i can talk adam into seeing the girl with the dragon tattoo
thats what i want to see
or iron man 2 or kickass
but kickass isnt playing downtown
and i wanna go downtown. we have a new theater and i havent been
me: iron man 2 might be a fun summer romp
Nick: adam doesnt want to see it
maybe he didnt see the first one
me: shouldn’t matter, really
it’s a fucking comic book movie
Nick: he’s about to call, so we can work this shit out
me: no one has ever seen the origin of any of that shit
godspeed, i hate making decisions with other people’s feelings in mind

me: i have something i want to share with you
are you ready?
it’s a list of the first names of the [school name redacted because I am scared of Christian-school retribution] varsity cheer squad
are you fucking ready?
this says everything a person needs to know about upper-class southernness
Mike: ?
me: ready?
OK
Mike: READY
me: justice
lauren
taylor
jordan
shelby
shelby
laney
madi
lydia
mckenna
Mike: lol
me: dani
kelly
kelsey
andi
daly
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP
the end
*applause*
Mike: They should just name all of them the same
Like just number them
me: like in the oblongs
the debbies

Nick’s new status message – http://vimeo.com/9194146
Nick: you need to check the link i just posted
me: why doesn’t that lady have a nose?
Nick: fuck if i know
me: that’s the only thing i can think about
is her nose in the salsa now?
nose salsa
Nick: yes, lindsey, her nose is in the salsa
me: nobody nose salsa like frito lay
Nick: see, you could work at an ad agency
design ads and write copy
me: i’m not sure the world is ready for my wit

Nick: i took a nap
now i’m up
tallking to the mom
her dentist yanked her widsom teeth along time ago apparntly
that sounds unpleasant
me: eeesh, yeah
Nick: gonna try eating ice cream again
last time it came up in a bloody vomit mess
me: is that true? ahahah
i mean, sorry
Nick: it was right after i got home
and i was supposed to take a lortab
and the note said to take it was a heavy liquid likea milkshake
so i tried it with ice cream
i think the lortab stayed down
but there was chocolate ice cream and blood everywhere
like some sorta anal sex gone awry situation
on my face
i’m a fuckin poet
me: you are the cause of all my most disgusting mental images
Nick: thats the nicest thing you ever said to me
me: well, i mean it

Me: will you be my life coach in 2010? i need to turn this ship around.
Nick: you and me we’re like cavier, it takes a refined pallette and a sense of self importance to choke us down and pretend we taste good
hmmm
thats not a good metaphor

Nick: i need some scotch
gotta drink some for teddy
me: you’re supposed to pour it out
not drink it
although … that is wasteful
i’m having red wine. would he approve?
Nick: kennedy wouldn’t want it poured
yeah
me: that’s what i thought
Nick: also, if you could die in a river
he’s down with that
me: that would be helpful, i guess
too soon, nice
*nick
not nice
*nick
Nick: meh
me: i’m kidding, of course
on what planet would i give a fuck?
doesn’texististan
Nick: god, the nytimes obit is a blowjob
me: i’m sure
i think you’re required to be super nice when people keel because of brain cancer
it’s not like syphilis brought him down
Nick: they’ve had time to spend time on grandiose statements
me: haha
i wonder if they had a contest
intra-office
i like to think so
Nick: “He was a celebrity, sometimes a self-parody, a hearty friend, an implacable foe, a man of large faith and large flaws, a melancholy character who persevered, drank deeply and sang loudly. He was a Kennedy. ”
see, i would have ended that graf with “he was a pussyhound til the end”
me: “pussy hound” is two words
check the stylebook
Nick: will do

[Post-script: People who work in the news business are awful, awful people. Oh, don't act so surprised.]

Back in 2002 or 2003 before Dane Cook was very well known ubiquitous (and widely reviled by comedy snobs non-fratboys), he was busy building an online army of fans via his website (this was pre-MySpace, even) and AIM and other internet hoozits and whatnots. I had seen his Comedy Central special and bought his first comedy CD and was a pretty big fan (I still admit that he makes me laugh with alarming regularity; suck it, haters), even going so far as to see his set at Zanies in Nashville. He publicly listed his AIM screen name on his site, and like a true fanboy, I put it on my contact list. Then one day I got up the nerve to send him a quick ambush chat saying something like “hi,ithinkyou’refunnyandiloveyouralbumseeyalaters.”

AND HE ACTUALLY REPLIED TO ME.

What follows is our conversation, which I just randomly — after searching for it for years — discovered on an old disc that was in a box in my closet. I trust I don’t have to point out how awkward it is or how ridiculous my screen name was or how nervous I got when trying to pick out a photo of myself and how quickly he disappeared once he got said photo.

XDaneCookX: thanks fo that
XDaneCookX: who are ya
exoteric81: Lindsey (student, blah blah)
XDaneCookX: where at
XDaneCookX: what do u wanna b
exoteric81: Middle Tennessee State U
exoteric81: graphic designer
XDaneCookX: ic
XDaneCookX: cool
XDaneCookX: what does your screen name mean
exoteric81: “exoteric” means easy to understand and 81 is the year I was born
exoteric81: deep, huh?
XDaneCookX: ahhhh
XDaneCookX: coolllllllll
XDaneCookX: what do u do for fun
exoteric81: god…i work a lot but I go movies and read/write and all that…hang out with my friends and get silly
exoteric81: how ’bout you? lol
XDaneCookX: nice
XDaneCookX: do u have a photo ? everyone sends something.
exoteric81: maybe…let me dredge something up
XDaneCookX: lol
XDaneCookX: dont dredge
XDaneCookX: lol
exoteric81: lol
exoteric81: i think i have a link to a page that has my photo
exoteric81: let me fetch it
XDaneCookX: ok
XDaneCookX: ko
exoteric81: wait there’s one on my computer…it may be a really huge file, so be prepared
exoteric81: shit can you send a photo over AIM?
XDaneCookX: sure or email
exoteric81: what’s your e-mail? that would be easier i think
exoteric81: nevermind…got it
exoteric81: ok it’s on its way
XDaneCookX: ok
XDaneCookX: 1 sec