Toddler comedy

Internet, let me tell you a thing my two-year-old has done three times now in the past couple of weeks. The first time he did it, it was funny but I figured he was being sincere. The second time, it was funny and I thought it was a cute repeat. The third time, I realized this kid is yanking my chain.

He will fart audibly, and then get super wide-eyed and look at me and say, “What was that?!” as if to cast blame elsewhere.

Whut.

Click the link, read, cringe, laugh, drink, repeat in whatever order you prefer

Someone(s) in Memphis have a new site and I just found out about it a few minutes ago but I’ve already decided it’s the best thing ever and I even submitted a story (!!!).

It’s called I Showered for Nothing and it’s transcendent. If I don’t already know who’s behind it, I definitely want to meet who’s behind it.

The most mature, ridiculous thing I have ever uttered

I just described the scent of my detergent as “fairly straightforward.”

Sometimes I have thoughts I think I must have stolen from Mitch Hedberg

Such as: Why do soap dishes get dirty?

Look. I could make these all day, every day.

BusinessCat2

BusinessCat1

And I would not feel a shred of shame.

Update: I’m serious. I can’t stop.

BusinessCat3

BusinessCat4

Open letter to my nosy neighbor(s)

6jan2

Hi Neighbor,

Just a friendly request to PLEASE PUT THOSE LEAVES BACK ON THE TREES WHERE THEY BELONG, AND STOP LEAVING THEM ON THE CURB. Lately, it has been noticed that great heaping bags of sweating leaves have been piled up at the edge of your yard on the curb and left to sit for days at a time. While we understand that some loss of leaves is natural every autumn, it is frowned upon for leaves to continue to fall into the new year, and for you to bundle them up and leave them bagged and abandoned on the curb. Not only does it detract from the uniform tidiness of the rest of the block, but by leaving your trees bare, you are subjecting your home and your neighbors to an increased level of sunlight, which can both bleach roof shingles and cause skin cancer.

It is a well-known fact that there are “trees” living on the blocks just north of us that never lose their leaves, except for when they spit out those brown needles that, when they accumulate in great enough numbers, can cause a person in house shoes to slip and fall and moan unattractively and unsuccessfully for help. On numerous occasions we have been duped by these brown needles of death, and the city has been notified several times of the danger they pose to unsuspecting busybodies creeping through neighborhoods at night to sift through trash bins. If your trees are losing their leaves so fully that you are still bagging them once January rolls around, it is advisable that you take a look at how you are caring for these trees and perhaps change your tree-care habits.

We take great pride in our neighborhood and hope you will join us in our effort to uphold leaves as inherent parts of trees that should never be neglected enough that they want to fall to the ground and be stuffed into plastic bags and left at the curb. By returning these leaves to their rightful places on the branches of your trees, you’ll be doing your part to help keep our neighborhood looking great!

Thank you in advance for listening to a bossy-ass piece of paper, which was certainly not made out of any tree-related products.

(Background is here.)

Party people

Me: What are we doing tonight?
Boyfriend: Partying hard…ying.
Me: Where?
Boyfriend: … Applebees.

Unintentional hilarity…

… is changing a tampon while watching an episode of “Dexter.”

Topical humor for your Thursday

I have some hack-and-slash Photoshoppery for you:

stupid

I hope no one else beat me to it, but that whole collective consciousness thing leads me to believe someone probably did.

Romance ain’t dead

Manfred, via text message: You’re all I think about unless I have to pee. Then I think about that.