Death to theogeo

I killed my Twitter account.

I wish I could say it felt good, that it felt like a burden had been lifted, but that’s not altogether true. I feel a bit like I threw my car keys into the ocean. But that’s silly, isn’t it? Mostly I don’t feel much of anything.

Do not fret. I’ll be around!


I never understood how people missed flights. Connecting flights, sure, if your initial flight rolls in late and you’ve got to haul ass to get to the gate across the airport in some unreasonable sliver of time. But that first flight? I just always figured you had to be a real slack-ass to not be able to get to the airport two hours early like me, Little Miss Perfectpants.

Until this morning, when my eyes popped open and looked at my phone clock and BAM HOLY FUCK IT’S 6:03 AND MY FLIGHT LEAVES AT 6:45 WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUU. And I made a valiant effort, throwing together the rest of my travel gear into the suitcase and taking what Ray has informed me was a fatal shower — the deed that did me in and made me miss the flight. But I can’t get on a plane unshowered on the trip out; it’s bad luck. Maybe on the trip home. Anyway.

I drove like a meth addict and got to the Delta counter at 6:41, at which point the counter man told me the plane had already left. I felt like an idiot and wanted to cry, of course, like a little baby who didn’t get her way. But I went to special services and the sassy but nice lady hooked me up with a 2 p.m. flight, which has a layover in Minneapolis but that will get me to Portland at 7 p.m. If all goes according to plan, of course.

So I’m just sort of killing time until then. About to drink lots of coffee and maybe even take a nap. I feel terrible that I basically lost a whole day — and especially because I inconvenienced my hosts. But now I promise I won’t give anyone a hard time for missing a flight. And I am going to write Steve Jobs SUCH a strongly worded letter about the iPhone alarm that just decided it wouldn’t go off today (I triple checked and it was set correctly for the reasonable hour of 4:30 a.m.).

Homemaking for dummies

cooking with gas

I spent some time in the kitchen today, performing an alchemic miracle that resulted in this modest dish (I’ll pause so you can ooh and ah and gasp at the sheer brilliance that is supper bake in a box), which contains chicken, which means that I have roughly eight to forty-eight hours before the gnarly teeth of salmonella poisoning consume me. I mean, I cooked it ’til it was nice and white but still, I’m paranoid that every bite I took is going to bring me closer to toilet-clenching death. The clock is ticking. Go, guts, go!

That’s the thing with me and cooking, really. I don’t trust myself. To this day, when I make macaroni from the box, I have to have that box on the counter within sight so that I can obsessively re-read the instructions to make sure I’ve not left a crucial step out. And I know how to fucking make box macaroni. But without those instructions nearby? I’m liable to take the boiling pot of pasta water and drain it by pouring it over my face. I am that cookingtarded.

It’s an issue of comfort, most likely. I just haven’t put in the time required to be familiar with the most basic cooking functions — the time/heat it takes to properly cook certain meats, the amount of water needed for any number of dishes, what this plus this equals and how to construct an honest-to-god meal using any number of available ingredients. I’m a picky eater and the foods I do like tend to be real crappy, so I’ve just not been all that curious about how meals are made. Most people overcome this little life speedbump when they’re, oh, TWELVE but somehow I’ve avoided the confrontation with my own ignorance by cracking wise and convincing myself that I will always live in a place where I can have food delivered to my house practically around the clock.

But here I am, leftovers in the fridge, appetite mostly sated, and it’s nice. (No shit! sings the chorus led by Sister Obvious.) I’ll keep cooking things out of a box until I get my kitchenlegs and then maybe I’ll move on to real cooking. Like boxless macaroni.

I’m new to this alphabet thing

On the phone just now, verifying my account with, my new hosting overlords:

Nice lady: Domain?
Me, groggily: That’s t-h-e-o-g-e-o-dot-com.
Nice lady: Okay, b-o-g-o, that’s b as in “boy”—
Me, groggily: No, ah, t-e-o … t as in … … uh … “tea”?!
Nice lady: Oh, t as in “tiger”?
Me, groggily: Yes!
Nice lady: Okay, t-e-o-g-e-o—
Me, groggily: Crap. There should be an h in there too.
Nice lady: Okay. Where?
Me, groggily: t-h-e-o-g-e-o. Sorry! I just woke up. I haven’t had coffee yet.
Nice lady: *polite laughter*

‘Lame’ is my middle name

I just turned down an invitation to a social gathering because, ahem, “I’m already in my PJs.”

Sweet Jesus. I am eighty years old.



Maybe I am dead. Because this is the first substantial stretch of time during the five years this blog has existed that there’s been nothing going on that I absolutely had to write about, even though there’s been plenty going on. It proves, at least for me, that blogging is strongly habitual and that if you truly devote yourself to the laziness within, it can overcome anything.

All kidding aside, I’ve been a lazy piece of shit since getting back from vacation. I always go through post-vacation depression. Always. I think this particular bout of nonsense has been compounded by the fact that I was mind-numbingly busy from mid-April until just this past weekend. I like being busy but once the work/play obligations clear up, it’s like coming down off of a drug. There’s withdrawal then recalibration. And in between there is a lot of crap food and a lack of exercising. Cue the self-esteem issues, and we’ve gotten ourselves into a lovely little circular rut.

I realized today while transferring important dates from my 2007 calendar to my new 2008 calendar (yes, I said new; I suck at life and just now got one AND it cost me $6.50!) that the cats were born on April 20, not April 11 like I thought a month ago. I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway, but you’d think I would be able to remember that they were born on 4/20. You’d think…

The morning-after pill

I saw the sun rise this morning and not on purpose. It just kind of happened when I neglected to go to bed last night and instead sat out on my balcony with Sarah and Rebecca, eating brie and blabbing about who knows what, and thinking a little too hard about the stuff I always think too hard about, which means I woke up kind of sad this morning and have spent most of the day lying in bed with the cats. The windows are open and we’ve all been just lying in the sunlight, smelling the breeze, and listening to soccer practice in the field next door.

Tequila makes me crazier, I think, than I already am. If that’s possible. When will they invent a pill that will eradicate the worry and shame you feel the day after you’ve christened spring with tequila and an apartment full of friends and, at one point, ceremoniously tromped through your living room, asking loudly if anyone’s ever, um, lost a tampon? Because I need a whole crate of those pills.

The past few days have been pretty intense. I’ve barely had time to stop and breathe, but I seem to be happier when I’m busy. Sarah stayed with me for a couple of days and kept me entertained, and Fritz and his Fuckleberry Hound have been in town to visit and we’ve laughed and laughed at so many inappropriate jokes.

I’m amazed at how many ridiculously funny people I know. Having an apartment full of them makes me get all corny and sentimental. Oh my god, I am such a girl.

It’s kind of a bummer that the apartment is empty now, but, well … shit.

I’m new here … and by ‘here’ I mean ‘to Earth’

[Scene: Walking through the courtyard into work, passing someone leaving the building.]

Cheery co-worker: Hi, how are you?
Me, smiling: Good, how are you?
Cheery co-worker: Beautiful day!
Me, smiling: You too!


aaaaand the cable has been cut

I knew it was coming. But, man, I held out an irrational hope that it wouldn’t actually happen. And like all irrational hopes, this one was dashed. Dashed!
So, my downstairs neighbors are relocating to another unit in the building because they recently had a baby and it’s damned hard to survive with a newborn in a one-bedroom apartment. From what I understand of the parenting world, you need a spare room to occasionally lock yourself inside and scream. Or maybe you lock the baby in there and let it scream. Whatever. Specifics. I don’t care for them that much.

Anyhoo, so the neighbors are moving. This is great news for me — not because I don’t like them or anything — but because it lets me off the hook for the middle-of-the-night shenanigans that invariably happen in this apartment thanks to my odd work schedule and my cats’ insistence upon playing hyper-tag every morning at 3 a.m. So I’ve been reveling in my ability to walk around without tiptoeing and I’ve even let my cats wrassle at midnight without spitting profanities at them. It’s been great!

Er, was great, until my former neighbor reminded me the other day that their moving also means the cable will be transferred to their new apartment. Which means no cable for me. Perhaps you remember this incident, in which I tried to get cable, but couldn’t. The neighbors, a few weeks after I tried in vain to get my own cable, graciously offered to share theirs with me. Which I’m pretty sure is only illegal in communist China, because I TRIED to pay for cable and was told by the cable dudes themselves that it wasn’t going to be worth the wait. So for the past two years I’ve been sharing cable with the neighbors and now they’re gone and *poof* so is the cable.

This would be a lot more palatable if my remote worked and I could at least use my DVD player. I’ve got Netflix envelopes stacking up and a ton of movies/TV show DVDs I could watch. But no. My TV is stuck in cable mode. I guess I need to hunt for a universal remote.

In the meantime, this means no more VH1 countdown shows, no more hilarious rape-themed movies on Lifetime, no more over-wrought episodes of CSI, no more Paranormal State, no more 13-hour ANTM marathons that render me unable to move, no more Real World/Road Rules challenges, no more INFOMERCIALS. You may think I’m better off for it, and you may be right, BUT YOU’RE WRONG. Cable makes me what I am. It connects me to the rest of humanity’s lazy contingent. It gives me ideas and pisses me off. Cable is life.

Ha! I’m kidding. I know plenty of people who survive and even thrive with no cable. Hell, I’ve gone through periods without cable. That summer in Birmingham, the first several months I lived here, the first few months I lived on my own in M’boro, many many months during my formative years (although we did have illegal satellite for a time when I was a pre-teen). I can do it. I can do it.

I just don’t want to.