theology&geometry http://theogeo.com/blog picking and flicking emotional scabs since 2003 Sat, 24 Jun 2017 06:19:13 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.5 http://theogeo.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/cropped-Ok_Hand_Sign_Emoji-32x32.png theology&geometry http://theogeo.com/blog 32 32 19531137 Hear ye, hear ye http://theogeo.com/blog/musings/hear-ye-hear-ye/ http://theogeo.com/blog/musings/hear-ye-hear-ye/#comments Sat, 24 Jun 2017 06:08:01 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7375

I’m getting married.

You hear me? Married. MARRIED!

I’m not sure I ever really believed I’d do such a thing.

Once upon a time I was in high school when marriage was entirely abstract and I had dreams about Husbands and Children but in reality I knew I had to go to college and do some other shit first so it was a nice thought but nothing too pressing.

And then some boys told me they loved me but mostly they didn’t mean it. And that’s totally fine.

And then one time I got knocked up and went around telling my family (and myself) that I was going to get married to the man whose child I was having, even though he hadn’t asked me to or ever actually exhibited any interest in doing such a thing. I told my folks that so they wouldn’t freak out so much over the whole unwed mother thing. And to soothe my own aching heart, which wanted so badly to believe that I was intentionally building a cozy family life, starting right there in my uterus and branching out to the people around me.

Didn’t happen. And that’s perfectly fine too.

None of that made any sense until I met the man I was meant to marry.

Love came to me out of nowhere. I had tried to remain open to love after a period of feeling completely deflated and unworthy, in a relationship where we didn’t care much for each other at all and resentments built up and curdled like cups of milk left in the sun. Insanely, wonderfully, I did not even have to wait that long or try that hard to be loved once I freed myself from that toxic relationship. It makes no sense to me. It blows my mind. I’m so grateful. I left the bad shit behind and got out on my own and this lil dude came along right away, all funny and real and sincere and woke and smart and handsome and kind, so insanely kind, and he was over here crooning and playing guitar too. He was perfect in every way for me and instead of making me guess about his heart, he let me in and let me love him. And he loved me back, no reservations. I was guarded at first and tried not to fall too hard but we both got stuck on each other real fast. Hot damn.

I knew early that the thing we had was special. At the time I was trying to sit on it so as to not show all my cards but it did not take long for me to understand that our chemistry was rare. We didn’t have to try too hard; it was just ridiculously easy to love each other in ways big and small. I’ve never had a man look at me and be totally delighted by all the shades of my ridiculousness. His kindness, encouragement, empathy and understanding: I knew six months in that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not sure when he came to that conclusion. I’m honestly not sure how I’ve convinced him to do this crazy thing with me; I sincerely do not feel worthy.

A hundred other dudes would have been weirded out by the fact that I have a 5-year-old. This one made it his mission to build something meaningful with my son. Something not superficial. I watch them together and am awed by how quickly they’ve built a bond. Mom is usually pretty serious but Richard goofs around and wrestles and plays mucsic and buys water guns. When Holden and I FaceTime when he’s at his dad’s house, he always asks where Richard is.

It’s not always easy, the life we are living, but my heart feels swollen and full most of the time.

I am eaten up with gratitude and so crazy excited to make this thing official. I’ve waited a long time to pair up with someone who I feel is an equal partner.

I’m excited to see where this adventure takes us.

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‘Tell ’em I stand corrected’ http://theogeo.com/blog/randomosity/tell-em-i-stand-corrected/ Wed, 14 Jun 2017 15:28:08 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7371

Today’s earworm.

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Blogging is hard! http://theogeo.com/blog/photography/blogging-is-hard/ Thu, 27 Apr 2017 02:38:05 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7367 _MG_9638bw

“I was good at blogging and then sucked at blogging before you were even born!”

This is an actual insult that I am preparing to spit at some youngstuff should I ever need to.

Seriously, people, when did this get so hard? I started two other posts tonight but then hit walls with both where I just realized, “Nope! I don’t have the gumption necessary to hit publish on either topic!” And it’s not like I’m over here rebooting War and Peace or anything. Sad!*

So anyway in lieu of anything actually real, here is a photo of a caladium that I potted and that promptly withered up and wasted away (to return, I hope, once it settles in to its new home).

* Historical footnote, for aliens or archaeologists reading this in the future: At some point in 2016/2017, everyone started punctuating everything with a one-word insult followed by an exclamation point as a way to show our allegiance to our ineloquent overlord, one Donald J. Trump.

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Pre-nuptial rumination http://theogeo.com/blog/relationships/pre-nuptial-rumination/ Sun, 19 Mar 2017 19:56:48 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7358

It’s hard to think about without wincing but sometimes my mind wanders and I think of the stupid things I’ve done to get men to love me.

How I’ve shushed that voice inside me that protested. How I’ve talked my way around it. How I knew going in that it was a bad idea but how I convinced myself that no matter what at least I’d get a good story out of it. It’s always worth the story, right? Yeah, sure, may be. But you don’t just carry the story with you and break it out at parties and then put it back in its case and back on a shelf until the next time you need it. You carry the shame too, and that shame will creep up on you and buckle your knees in the shower or in long walks across parking lots when your mind wanders. Is it still worth the story then? Yeah, sure. May be.

Maybe not.

There was this one man who came after me like a bull running toward a billowing red flag. That’s how it felt to me. It was exhilarating. He must have smelled the sadness on me, a bloodhound hunting the lovesick. He made me his mark and he must have known I’d think it felt so nice to be marked that I would go along with what was a very bad and very hurtful plan for everyone involved. He must have known. He must have laughed to himself at how easy it was. Maybe he did.

Maybe not.

There was this one man who spent many of his waking hours and of some his sleeping hours radiating a disdain for me that was palpable. You could walk into a room and feel it. I could walk into a room and feel it. He told me when I confessed my unhappiness that we had made our bed and even though we weren’t happy, we needed to lie in it. Forever. Because that was the right thing to do. I imagined myself dying a withered and dried-up husk of a person. Sometimes I think about what life would be like had I stayed and lived out my life pushing that boulder up the hill. The thought errors out every time. It cuts to a “footage not found” screen. Maybe that man would have grown to love and respect me with time.

Maybe not.

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I’m thinking about these things a lot lately because of how so many of my past relationships contrast so sharply with the relationship I have with the man I am going to marry. All that time I spent positioning myself so that I could lap up crumbs of an aloof man’s affection; what was I thinking? Who was I? Why was I so sure that I had to settle for whatever I could get at that moment because it was pretty unlikely that I’d ever find more? Why did I need to self-loathing to play out externally as a relationship with another person? What did I actually learn from any of that, other than don’t do that again, dummy?

I’m under no illusions that marriage will be easy. But to be stepping into it with someone who has never once made me question my self-worth feels like a revelation, a sunrise, a new notebook, a popped cork. There is magic and comfort there, with room to grow and without fear.

It’s exactly what I have been pining for my whole life.

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Neti pot head http://theogeo.com/blog/why-am-i-telling-you-this/neti-pot-head/ Thu, 16 Mar 2017 16:01:33 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7349

The CT scan showed that I’ve got chronic sinusitis plus a nasal septal spur on my right side, and that thing is keeping stuff trapped in my head that just keeps festering and perpetuating the gross cycle of crud in my skull. So I’ve got an appointment with an ENT to talk about my options. I’ve been doing nasal irrigation daily for a week or so and it seems to be working. In fact, I skipped it last night and woke up with a sore throat. INTRIGUE!

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Snow big deal http://theogeo.com/blog/randomosity/7344/ Mon, 13 Mar 2017 20:42:31 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7344 It snowed Saturday morning and stayed on the ground for a few hours. Long enough for us to terrorize the neighborhood with a multi-street snowball fight (involving only ourselves). I was the conscientious objector/documenter, of course. Here’s a slideshow of the carnage.

Snowball War 2017

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Pins and needles http://theogeo.com/blog/why-am-i-telling-you-this/pins-and-needles/ http://theogeo.com/blog/why-am-i-telling-you-this/pins-and-needles/#comments Thu, 09 Mar 2017 02:27:27 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7340 _MG_8827

I’ve been sick for nine weeks. Upper respiratory infection-type stuff that runs its course and before leaving my body, regenerates like it’s stuck in a loop.

Sore throat, sinus congestion, stuff issuing from my skull that runs the colors of the rainbow, crusty eyes (at one point double pink eye), a dry cough, then a wet cough, junk dripping down my throat from my skull, popping ears (at one point an ear infection), then a cough that keeps me up all night, then a sore throat and is begins again. It’s run three complete cycles since Dec. 29 including after a round of antibiotics and I feel like I am going to lose my mind if I don’t get totally over it soon. I’m hacking up a lung everywhere I go, I’m hoarse and tired all the time, there are gross tissues falling out of all my pockets and my purse, and I smell like cough drops because I CONSTANTLY have a cough drop in my mouth. I sleep with a cough drop in my mouth or else I don’t sleep at all so my teeth are probably going to rot out. (And I’ve had two nights where I woke myself up coughing around 1 a.m. and could not go back to sleep.)

I thought maybe something in the new house had me on an allergic trip so I went for allergy testing today. After 45 minutes of being poked and injected with pins and needles dosed with pure allergens, I learned that I am only allergic to dust mites, mold and horses. Yes, horses. Because why not?

So it’s not the dogs or the down comforter or even the trees, which have opened up unseasonably early thanks to the warm winter. No pollen allergies. Ain’t that some shit?

The allergist referred me across the street to the radiology clinic so they could do a CT scan of my skull and see what’s going on in there. I learned that a CT scan is a relatively pleasant experience, compared to an MRI. So that’s nice.

At this point if there was a small pony living inside my skull, it would be a relief because at least I’d know what was fucking me up.

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Jewelrymaking http://theogeo.com/blog/creativity/jewelrymaking/ Wed, 08 Mar 2017 04:53:03 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7336 Untitled Untitled Untitled

“What do you want for Christmas?” he said. “Jewelrymaking stuff,” I replied. I panicked. I was casting a wide net.

I have always been afraid to even go down this path, as it requires a lot of stuff and a lot of patience for dealing with small pieces.

So far I am sticking to fairly simple stuff and trying to learn the best way to even go about designing a piece, and what all the little do-dads are called. It’s way more complicated than I ever thought but then again I don’t think I ever thought that much about it.

Much respect to people who make this look easy.

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“Today everything exists to end in a photograph.” — Susan Sontag http://theogeo.com/blog/travel/today-everything-exists-to-end-in-a-photograph-susan-sontag/ Mon, 20 Feb 2017 19:56:50 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7327 _MG_8685bw

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Excerpts from my son’s future autobiography — Vol. 1 http://theogeo.com/blog/holden/excerpts-from-my-sons-future-autobiography-vol-1/ Sat, 31 Dec 2016 17:09:42 +0000 http://theogeo.com/blog/?p=7303 My mother never seemed to appreciate some of my early attempts at artistic expression, like running free in a crowded parking lot, putting my face too close to things that were either on fire or boiling, licking all the candy at the freestanding candy kiosk at the mall, or shoving my hands directly into whatever food was placed in the middle of the dinner table even if I had no intention of actually eating it.

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There wasn’t a question that my mom couldn’t answer with a pensive, “That’s a tough one.”

“Mom, what does ‘what’ mean?”

“Mom, can I have a pretzel?”

“Mom, who would win in a fight — this pachycephalosaurus or this dragon?”

… “That’s a tough one.”

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One of my favorite games to play with my mom was the one where I would act like a seizing banshee while she would try to buckle me into my carseat. You should have seen the expression on her face, her hair hanging in stress-sweat-soaked strands, as I laughed manically. I’d win every time!

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I learned early that anything could be a drum, if you hit it hard enough with drum sticks.

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