Back in 2002 or 2003 before Dane Cook was very well known ubiquitous (and widely reviled by comedy snobs non-fratboys), he was busy building an online army of fans via his website (this was pre-MySpace, even) and AIM and other internet hoozits and whatnots. I had seen his Comedy Central special and bought his first comedy CD and was a pretty big fan (I still admit that he makes me laugh with alarming regularity; suck it, haters), even going so far as to see his set at Zanies in Nashville. He publicly listed his AIM screen name on his site, and like a true fanboy, I put it on my contact list. Then one day I got up the nerve to send him a quick ambush chat saying something like “hi,ithinkyou’refunnyandiloveyouralbumseeyalaters.”
AND HE ACTUALLY REPLIED TO ME.
What follows is our conversation, which I just randomly — after searching for it for years — discovered on an old disc that was in a box in my closet. I trust I don’t have to point out how awkward it is or how ridiculous my screen name was or how nervous I got when trying to pick out a photo of myself and how quickly he disappeared once he got said photo.
XDaneCookX: thanks fo that
XDaneCookX: who are ya
exoteric81: Lindsey (student, blah blah)
XDaneCookX: where at
XDaneCookX: what do u wanna b
exoteric81: Middle Tennessee State U
exoteric81: graphic designer
XDaneCookX: ic
XDaneCookX: cool
XDaneCookX: what does your screen name mean
exoteric81: “exoteric” means easy to understand and 81 is the year I was born
exoteric81: deep, huh?
XDaneCookX: ahhhh
XDaneCookX: coolllllllll
XDaneCookX: what do u do for fun
exoteric81: god…i work a lot but I go movies and read/write and all that…hang out with my friends and get silly
exoteric81: how ’bout you? lol
XDaneCookX: nice
XDaneCookX: do u have a photo ? everyone sends something.
exoteric81: maybe…let me dredge something up
XDaneCookX: lol
XDaneCookX: dont dredge
XDaneCookX: lol
exoteric81: lol
exoteric81: i think i have a link to a page that has my photo
exoteric81: let me fetch it
XDaneCookX: ok
XDaneCookX: ko
exoteric81: wait there’s one on my computer…it may be a really huge file, so be prepared
exoteric81: shit can you send a photo over AIM?
XDaneCookX: sure or email
exoteric81: what’s your e-mail? that would be easier i think
exoteric81: nevermind…got it
exoteric81: ok it’s on its way
XDaneCookX: ok
XDaneCookX: 1 sec
“Don’t dredge.” That’s my favorite.
Oh, how cute! You had a Twitter Porn Spam name!
Your mistake was clearly in sending Mr. Cook a picture of yourself wearing clothing. Assuming that was what you sent him.
As if anyone ever wondered if you had balls before, let this post indicate unequivocally that you do, indeed have balls. They’re required to admit on the innertubes that Dane Cook makes you laugh. Now I don’t feel so bad about being in love with Mark Wahlberg (aka Marky Mark). We shall fly our freak flags together, to quote a phrase as stale as the average Dane Cook joke.*
*Sorry, had to do it.
XDaneCookX? Are you serious?
I also LOVE how the conversation goes “what does your screen name mean?” and you say “exoteric means easy to understand”…. I wonder if Dane Cook was all like “……Oh.”
Also, that conversation could not get any more late-90s-AOL-chat if it TRIED.
The best part of this is that he doesn’t know what “exoteric” means. BUT HE’S SCREAMING AND RUNNING AROUND, THIS MUST BE FUNNY!
He probably figured “exoteric” was a portmanteau of “exotic” and “erotic” and that “81” meant that theogeo was an octogenarian, because Dane Cook’s interest in boomin’ grannies is well-documented.
I’m kidding. Dane Cook wouldn’t know a portmanteau if it bit him on the derriass.
I hope you are all grateful that I have offered up this sacrificial lamb. FEAST, MEANIES, FEEEEAST!
At least he didn’t A/S/L