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An ass kicking, from me to me

I just worked out for the first time since 2002 or so. I can’t say I feel fantastic, but I feel better — not physically, of course, but mentally. I feel proactive. It is my intention to get some sort of routine going in which I a) move around and b) don’t get diabetes. Because if I keep pudging it up through my twenties, I’ll face the same problems everyone else in my large family…

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Country girl

I’ve spent my life cringingat the Hollywood versionsof my supposed accent. Each year they get it wrongand play up the silly wordswhile ignoring the melody of my voice, each syllable’s timbremore varied than a banjo’s. [][][] My youth was spentplaying hopscotchon black grasshoppers, their guts glowing greenon the shimmering asphalt. Grandmaw insisted that we eradicate themwith our “tinny shoes”before they munched her gladiolas completely out of existence. On hazy eveningswith scabby legswe hid in the…

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Forgive me, for I must snark

Surely you read or heard about the Arkansas woman who just gave birth to her and her husband’s 16th child a week or two ago. This isn’t some obligatory yearly freak fertility-drug accident trumpeted by the media as a feel-good, aren’t-you-glad-you’re-not-these-poor-schlubs story; these people have been breeding like clockwork since the mid-’80s. And mama’s got a hankerin’ to work on No. 17. Check out their website. It’s real. Look, I know part of being a…

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Hi

Sometimes it’s so beautiful outside that I don’t think there’s anything I could possibly do to fully take advantage of it. Today was a day like that. Too bad I’m spending the better chunk of it at work. Really the only thing I accomplished today was going to Borders and blowing money on some books that I should have waited to buy when they came out in paperback. Please tell me I conjugated those verbs…

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Make like a tree and get out of here

I keep watching the trees so I won’t miss the moment they turn. They seem sort of stuck at the yellow-green phase, where the green looks like it’s seeping out or bleaching in the sun. In Tennessee, you usually get a good week of the fiery fall colors before it rains and strips the trees practically bare. The 10-day forecast says we’re not expecting any Wilma rain here, so I guess the leaves are taking…

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21 grams

If you’re going to make a career writing about disgusting and/or abhorrent things there’s no cooler last name to have than Roach. It looks like Mary Roach has written a new book. This one’s about scientific proof of the afterlife and should be at least as interesting as Stiff. Both books have feet on the cover. That is awesome. Salon has a good interview with the author. This stuff seriously weirds me out.

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You know this boogeyman is for real

This morning when I came downstairs, one of Phil’s big three-foot stereo speakers was lying face down on the floor. The CapitalOne solicitation that had been on top was scattered on the floor. It’s a large speaker — more than a foot wide, a foot deep, and it comes up to my waist. I imagine that, however it fell (I think Howie is the prime suspect here), it would have made a crash or a…

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Ode to my magenta Roos

I found you unexpectedly, sitting quietly on the not-so-used shelves in Murfreesboro’s Marti&Liz Shoes, between the scores of ordinary, mum white tennis shoes. Your colors were so loud and unapologetic that I instantly picked you up for inspection, caressed your suede skin, and peered inside your tiny little useless zippered pockets, perfect for smuggling crack should I ever need to. You were an easy sell — $25 brand new — and I knew there was…

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