A Birthmas Story

I wasn’t supposed to be born on Christmas. I was due Dec. 12, but my mom didn’t go into labor until Christmas Eve. And she kept laboring for 23 hours, walking and walking and walking around the hospital floors to try to make the labor go faster. She made 49 trips, she said, many of them with my grandmother by her side. Mom says she remembers the click of Grandmaw’s cowgirl boots on the sterile hospital linoleum.

In the delivery room, my mom caught a glimpse of my dad’s T-shirt and flipped out. It sported drawings of cow patties accompanied by the words: “Been a farmer many years and haven’t stepped in any yet.” I’m betting my mom hasn’t cussed that much before or since.

She says that at some point, her IV popped out of her hand and started whipping around the room like a firehose. Blood was going everywhere. In that picture up there, you can see some dried blood on her hand. So … I instantly began creating chaos the second I entered the world. Hell, I started with the chaos by being stubborn and late and then practically ruining a holiday for my older sister, I guess. She said she refused to acknowledge me or call me by name for weeks after I was born, since my arrival had TOTALLY thrown Santa off his game.

I get a kick out of that story. You just can’t take my family anywhere, including the hospital.

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Many months ago I uploaded this photo of my birth announcement. Reading it now, it’s so very bizarre. My mother’s name isn’t even mentioned until the last paragraph. The woman who gave birth is the LAST PERSON MENTIONED. Also, I love how she’s the “former” Fran. Seeing as how she’s Mrs. Steve now. So odd how social conventions have changed in (nearly) 30 years. And by “odd” I mean “awesome” because my feminist sisters helped move us past that invisible wifey shit. Well, they got the ball rolling. We’re not totally there yet. I’m pretty sure my parents’ joint checking account has checks that are emblazoned with “Mr. or Mrs. Steve Turner.” Yep.

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This year is the first year I’ve worked on Christmas Day and not been able to be with my family at all. It has been odd. I don’t particularly care to be away from them on this official Time With Family day. The family did, however, call me on speakerphone and sing the birthday song to me. And I’ll get to see them Sunday. So I’m excited about that. And I really, really need to finish their gifts but I’m not sure it’s going to happen in time. Eeeeeek.

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I hope everyone has had a fabulous Christmas, devoid of blood-spraying IVs and cow poop-themed anythings.