Well, it took a fucking Herculean effort to get me here, but I am finally in the Midwest, drunk on Chili’s house cabernet and waiting for my second delayed flight of the day to finally actually board. I spent an hour on the tarmac in Memphis during a grumpy little summer storm, and it made me miss my connection to Portland. Fantasmically, they added a flight to Portland (my connection was originally the last one of the day) so I don’t have to wait until tomorrow to leave. So there’s that, at least. Granted, none of this would have actually happened had I made my initial flight this morning. I’d already be drunk on Portland microbrews by now. But as it stands, I will wrestle with $10 wifi as Larry King talks about legalizing pot on a TV somewhere the background. (I like to think that sentence is the new “Somewhere, a dog barked.”)
On the way up here, this meaty-faced guy and aggressively tanned gal seated behind me were flirting so hardcore that I felt like somewhere there had to be an MTV camera crew capturing the cutemeet. She was retelling a story and used the phrase, “DO YOU WANT ME TO RUB IT?!” five times while laughing unstably. And then the dude retold a story that included the phrase “SORRY IF I BLEED ON YOU” about three times. And then she got really drunk on $7 airplane wine. My imagination was having a field day with their matrimonial future when I could coax it to take breaks from picturing our plane plummeting toward the ground in a fiery ball of molten metal.
My day has mostly consisted of some choice people-watching, accompanied by even better eavesdropping. I am finding myself falling in love with the ridiculous conversations traveling people have on their phones — I myself am not immune to this travelspeak, of course — and how self-important everyone feels when in an airport. Myself included. Can’t you see I’m GOING PLACES over here? I like to stare at the arrivals/departures, make a horrified face, and then crumple into a ball in front of all the chirpy families. Good times.
You will all be satisfied to know that the Homeland Security threat level remains at orange. Roughly the color of any weather map you might access right now.
Homeland Security is hot hot hot!
Okay, I’m starting to sober up and it’s time to check on the status of my piddly little delayed red-eye. Godspeed, y’all.