[One more trip and I’ll be gone]

Here’s an e-mail forward I know my snarky friends will enjoy. Warning: It’s long and stupid. I’m leaving in the carats (sp?) for optimum e-mail-related annoyance. And because I can’t leave well enough alone, I’ve gone ahead and inserted my thoughts after some of these jewels. Enjoy.

HELL YEAH !!!

> >

> >

> > Bet you stand up and sayHELL YEAH! after you read

> > this.

> >

> > I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big

> > houses and big campfires. (GREAT, so go dump gas on yourself and light yourself on fire in protest of your oppression.)

> >

> > I believe the money I make belongs to me and my

> > family, not some governmental stooge with a bad

> > comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts

> > for squirting out babies. [BUT you want to drive your big car on a nice, big road, which requires taxpayer funding, and you want to take your kid to a nice suburban school, which also requires taxpayer money. So you can’t partake of the goods of civilized society while decrying having to pay for some social services you dislike. Idiot.]

> >

> > Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes

> > you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball

> > bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from

> > driving to the ball game. [RIGHT, but cars and baseball bats have other functions than killing. Guns don’t. Guns were invented to kill and are therefore inherently dangerous.]

> >

> > I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a

> > reason, that is why there are no girls allowed.

> > Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! [WAS there ever a debate about this? Or is this a jab at the gay community?]

> >

> > I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it

> > is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I don’t think

> > being a minority makes you a victim of anything

> > except numbers. [AND extreme prejudice and cultural oppression. But who cares about such things when many can’t even pronounce them?]

> >

> > The only things I can think of that are truly

> > discriminatory are things like the United Negro

> > College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment

> > Television,and Miss Black America. Try to have

> > things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud

> > Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss

> > White America and see what happens. Jesse Jackson

> > will be knocking down your door. [THOSE are the ONLY things you can think of that are truly discriminatory? Then you have led a sheltered, priveleged, lily-white life. And, oh yeah, we DO have a United Caucasian College Fund — it’s called Yale legacy admissions. White Entertainment Television? CMT. Miss White America? Miss America. You see where I’m going with this.]

> >

> > I have the right “NOT” to be tolerant of others

> > because they are different,weird, or tick me off.

> > When 70% of the people who get arrested are black,

> > in cities where 70%of the population is black, that

> > is not racial profiling, it is the law of

> > statistics. [ASIDE from the “not” in unnecessary quotation marks, this is ridiculous because the statistics IN REALITY — where the rest of us live — do not break down like this. It’s more like blacks make up 70 percent of arrests in a country where they only make up 13 percent of the population. It’s terribly disproportionate, and flippantly ignoring that fact is immoral.]

> >

> > I know what sex is, and there are not varying

> > degrees of it.. If I received sex from one of my

> > subordinates in my office, it wouldn’t be a private

> > matter or my personal business. It would be “FIRED”

> > immediately! [IS this about Bill Clinton? Oy.]

> >

> > I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a

> > pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you

> > must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you

> > want to be an American citizen you should have to

> > speak English!. [YES, because we Americans have a monopoly on commerce and lodging, and we refuse to acknowledge the existence and importance of other cultures — especially on our home turf. Forget the fact that we’re a bratty infant of a country, and that our collective sense of entitlement and self-importance is not shared by many cultures on this planet.]

> >

> > My father and grandfather should not have died in

> > vain so you can leave the countries you were born in

> > to come over and disrespect ours..[NO ONE chooses where he or she is born, but we all have the choice of where we would like to live. Choosing to live in the U.S. has nothing to do with people’s grandpaws dying during various war games played throughout history.]

> >

> > I think the police should have every right to shoot

> > your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell

> > you to stop. If you can’t understand the

> > order”freeze” or “stop” in English, see the above

> > lines. [I don’t want anywhere near this one.]

> >

> > I feel much safer letting a machine with no

> > political affiliation recount votes when needed. I

> > know what the definition of lying is. [BUT machines are programmed by people with political affiliations. Machines don’t just materialize to do our bidding when we want — they have to be carefully constructed and programmed, and you can write bugs into machines that can do just as much damage as partisan vote-counters. The difference is that there’s no paper trail with machine vote-counters, or at least the currently available computerized voting machines.]

> >

> > I don’t think just because you were not born in this

> > country, you are qualified for any special loan

> > programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax

> > breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,

> > trinket store, or any other business. [I DON’T think that just because you WERE born in this country that you DO deserve special treatment.]

> >

> > We did not go to the aid of certain foreign

> > countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their

> > freedoms so that decades later they could come over

> > here and tell us our constitution is a living

> > document and open to their interpretations. [IF THE Constitution isn’t treated as a living document, it will become stale and irrelevent — just like the Bible.]

> >

> > I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor. I know

> > wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television,

> > and that doesn’t stop you from watching them. I

> > believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative

> > with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell’s Angel

> > with an attitude. [THIS is offensive to members of the Hell’s Angels. Just kidding.]

> >

> > I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every

> > penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks

> > you off, go and invent the next operating system

> > that’s better and put your name on the building. Ask

> > your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.. [RIGHT, the stock Al Gore joke. I wouldn’t expect much more from the brainiac who wrote this.]

> >

> >

> > It doesn’t take a whole village to raise a child

> > right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the

> > kid and smack his/her little ass when necessary and

> > say “NO”. [JUST try not to leave bruises!]

> >

> > I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want

> > them, but please don’t pretend they are a political

> > statement. And please stay home until that new lip

> > ring heals, I don’t want to look at your ugly

> > infected mouth as you serve me french fries! [THEY can be as much of a political statement as putting one of those idiotic Jesus fish on your car.]

> >

> > I am sick of “Political Correctness” and of all the

> > suck ups that go along with it. I know a lot of

> > black people, and not a single one of them was born

> > in Africa, so how can they be “African Americans”?

> > Besides, Africa is a continent. I don’t go around

> > saying I am a European-American because my great,

> > great, great, great, great, great grandfather was

> > from Europe. I am proud to be from America and no

> > where else. [I CONCUR that we need a better system for identifying ethnicities, because it gets extremely confusing when you want to be specific yet polite.]

> >

> > And if you don’t like my point of view, tough!

> > GET OVER IT!!! WAKE UP WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A

> > COUNTRY TO WAKE UP TO. [WELL, this part is partly right — we need to wake up before George Bush gets us taken into the back alley of the world and beaten up, or before we become the Corporate State of America.]

> >

> > If you are not ashamed of America, forward this to

> > everyone in your address book while you can still do

> > it for free. [I AM ashamed of America’s leadership right now and am not afraid to say so. We need a major overhaul that will move us away from being arrogant and self-centered.]

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The Dillard’s job is going well. It’s a lot of standing around, trying to ignore the insipid conversation of bored co-workers. I feel like a hypocrite for working for a big business that wants nothing more than to sell you more crap that you don’t need (CONSUME!), but I have to make a living. I won’t stay there any longer than I have to, if that’s any consolation.

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Happy belated birthday to Jimbo Jones. Those horror movies from Kristin will keep you occupied until you’re 30, which is creeping!.

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Nick launches his campaign for Homecoming king in the next couple of weeks. This year we’re doing it up right. We will lure the non-Greek vote with speed and efficiency. Keep your eyes open for clever and thought-provoking signs around campus.

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Amber moved into her Southampton College dorm room today. From what I hear, the campus is a ghost town. I hope she can find some kids to bind together in solidarity with, to combat the uncertainty of attending a college that’s having financial trouble. I’m thinkin’ about you, kiddo. What you and Pattykins are doing is damned brave.