[Smile like you mean it]

A “quick” recap…

9:20 p.m. Wednesday Clock out. Drive home.

10 p.m. Bags in tow, head west on I-24.

10:20 p.m. Stop in Bellevue and eat greasy Jack in the Box crap cheap thanks to a gift card Phil got from a customer at Daily’s.

2 a.m. Thursday Cruise in to Memphis.

2:30 a.m. Bicker with Phil about why there are no hotels in Germantown.

2:45 a.m. Finally find a cluster of hotels, all of which are either too expensive or have unmanned front desks.

2:50 a.m. Find another cluster of more moderately priced hotels.

2:51 a.m. Get soaked as sky opens up and dumps cold, relentless sheets of rain.

3 a.m. Check into a Motel 6.

7:45 a.m. I’m up, I’m up.

8:30 a.m. Phil’s up, Phil’s up.

9 a.m. Check out Poplar Place. Don’t get to look at floor plan we would want, but instead look at large deluxe model that I really like.

9:20 a.m. Inquire across the street at Kirby Station. Leasing consultant asks, “Are ferrets considered pets?”

10 a.m. Details blurry. Can’t remember if we went straight to Lynnfield Place or looked at others. At Lynnfield, we’re a little disappointed. It’s more expensive than the advertisement said, but they had a nice no-rent-’til-March special going. Roomy apartments, nice location. Three toilets!

10:20 a.m. Check next door at Butterfield Village. Make much fun of their name, but think their business card is well-designed. Apartments are cute, but too small for the asking price.

11 a.m. Head toward Hickory Forest, get sidetracked and check several other places in the Southeast area. The Park Townhomes at Hickory Hill are really nice. Their desk people are nonchalant and off-putting.

11:30 a.m. Use my notoriously bad navigation skills to send us way far out, past the airport. Lose time. Turn back.

11:37 a.m. Lots of sighing.

11:45 a.m. Find Hickory Forest and are informed that prospective renters must live in Memphis for six months before qualifying to rent there. The lady never mentioned that in her message on our machine, nor was it mentioned in any of the advertisements we had in hand. We leave pissed.

12 p.m. Rapid-fire touring around Ridgeway and Hickory Hill Road. Learn that we make too much to qualify for government-assisted housing. Hooray?

12:15 p.m. Head back toward Poplar to round up some grub.

12:30 p.m. Scarf down a McAlister’s turkey melt while leafing through the mound of paperwork we’d acquired.

1:30 p.m. Fall in line on Poplar and sashay through Midtown around Overton Park to scout duplexes. See one; call later and find that it costs $1,100 a month. Yeeowch.

2 p.m. Phil drops me off at CA and goes to visit Jamie. I fill out an application in HR and am let loose.

3 p.m. Phil and Jamie pick me up. I steal shotgun back from Jamie and we cruise around his Madison neighborhood but see nothing that strikes us.

3:20 p.m. Drop Jamie off and head back east to decide on something. Discouragement creeps as time passes.

3:40 p.m. Try three times to find the office of Ridgeway Commons. Finally do, and they say they have a waiting list until March.

4 p.m. Sure that we’ve seen a generous sampling of what the area has to offer and pressed for time, head back to Lynnfield, the leader of the bunch (except for Poplar Place, which I think we would have liked had we gotten to see the correct floorplan, but it’s not like I’m stuck on it. Leave me alone.) to apply.

4:15 p.m. Applications filled out, Shane, the ultra-buff leasing consultant, informs us that they only accept money orders for application fees and deposits. He suggests Schnucks, a local grocery. He says the leasing office closes at 5:30.

4:30 p.m. Cashless, I hit up the First America ATM inside the grocery. Does not accept my card. Informs me that the card cannot be read and that I should check how I inserted it. I insert the card four different ways several times, and, nerves pulsing, clock ticking, go inside to ask if I can buy a money order with a debit card. No. But did you insert your card the correct way?

4:35 p.m. Ask First America teller inside if I can withdraw money from my Suntrust account. If I can at an ATM, why not at a bank window? Computers are a mystery. Did you insert your card right? You have to do it real slow, she says.

4:37 p.m. Insert card overly slowly, as if I’m an elderly woman in slow motion. It takes the card.

4:45 p.m. Return to Shane with money and he sends our app and runs a credit check. We wince. He says we’re approved. We’re flabberghasted. We don’t have much credit. The catch is I have to get the CA to fill out a form verifying my position and income.

5 p.m. We set a move-in date for Monday, Jan. 24. Get map of property and drive out to look at it. It looks like every other apartment on the property. Neighbors on both sides, etc. Three toilets!

5:30 p.m. Settle into rush-hour traffic on I-240 and run away from the sunset as we head back to Middle Tennessee.

9:30 p.m. Home. Clean up ferret shit. Get in sweatpants. Make out in celebration of a stressful yet successful trip. Ponder what we’ll do with all our furniture.

11:50 p.m. Will settle into bed and watch half an Arrested Development episode before falling asleep. I can almost guarantee it.