Forgive me, for I must snark

Surely you read or heard about the Arkansas woman who just gave birth to her and her husband’s 16th child a week or two ago. This isn’t some obligatory yearly freak fertility-drug accident trumpeted by the media as a feel-good, aren’t-you-glad-you’re-not-these-poor-schlubs story; these people have been breeding like clockwork since the mid-’80s. And mama’s got a hankerin’ to work on No. 17.

Check out their website. It’s real.

Look, I know part of being a dirty liberal is not making judgments on other people’s life choices or whatever. But part of being a snarkalicious bitch is judging all things, all the time with my swift and inconsiderate wit. What actually akes me liberal is that I don’t want the government to enact a law that would keep out-of-control breeders like the Duggars from having more than a certain number of children. For all I care, they can have as many kids as they want. Freedom! And a side bonus for me is that with each year that passes that they add to their brood, it will be easier to make fun of them.

So let’s dive right in. And Lord, forgive me if you really do want people to glorify you by having more children than is physically or mentally or pragmatically wise. All this time I was thinking that moderation was probably a virtue in your eyes. I don’t know where I got that from. A quote book in a bathroom somewhere, maybe? Anyway, onward.

On the family’s website, they provide favorite recipes and columns from the Duggar patriarch and matriarch to other parents. There’s also a FAQ section of sorts that contains answers to the quesion, “Why so many?”

Jim Bob Duggar writes:

We did not always view children as a gift. Michelle & I did not have any children for the first 4 years of marriage.

We chose to use the birth control pill. After our first child was born, Michelle started back on the pill, shortly after, she miscarried. We found that sometimes the birth control pill will allow you to conceive, but then cause a miscarriage.

We then realized we had the same heart attitude about children as those willfully choosing abortion (wanting to make our own plans, live our own lives, children could be a bother or interruption).

Okay, so their very act of NOT constantly having children was akin to having constant abortions. Oh my god, I’ve been having an abortion a month since I was 12! Think of all the little Jessicas and Jim Bobs and Joeys and Jezzebels and Jacys and Jermaines and Jasons and Juniors and Joshes and J.R.s that are sitting up in Heaven, furiously awaiting my arrival. Except … I guess I don’t get to go up there to meet them. Maybe when I get to Hell they’ll have a videophone set up so all the whores can meet their aborted children up in Heaven before they get cast into the eternal flames.

Jim Bob and Michelle’s daily routine sounds like boot camp, and I guess it probably has to given that they are in charge of what amounts to a decent-sized school group 24 hours a day. At 8 a.m., the family has breakfast and reads Proverbs.

Our #1 goal is to lead our children to seek a close relationship with God & give Him every area of their lives.

This is actually pretty commendable. If I was in charge of 16 children, my No. 1 goal would be to make sure I didn’t accidentally leave a couple of them on top of the car. Er, van. Vans.

Perhaps the most chilling thing on the website right now is Michelle’s advice to moms.

It was 1:00 AM in the morning as I stood folding laundry with tears streaming down my cheeks. Feelings of being overwhelmed flooded my mind. I cried aloud, ”LORD I NEED YOUR HELP, I can’t do it all! I feel so inadequate! Diapers, dishes, laundry, meals, cleanup, school lessons, baths, hugs, kisses, correction…” My list seemed to go on and on.

Yes, as lists tend to do when they involve caring for 16 people, many of whom are infants and need total care. Michelle, does thinking about the future amount to witchcraft? For some, maybe, but you seem like a pretty intelligent women who might have at least considered that caring for 16 children would be a bit much for one woman and one man to tackle, physically and financially. When you left the hospital with your eighth child in your arms, did you even wonder how stressful it would be to double the number of grubby rugrats ripping around your house, or did you foolishly think that God would provide for you no matter what bone-headed childbearing decisions you decided to make? And Jim Bob, are you trying to prove how studly you are by keeping your old lady knocked up, or do you just hate women and wish to rip your wife’s insides to shreds?

Michelle continues her sad breakdown story:

Then it was as if a still small voice said, ”Michelle, it’s easy to praise ME when things are going good, but are you willing to praise ME now?” Immediately the scripture that says, “Offer up a sacrifice of praise”, came to mind.

I said, “OK Lord, I will praise you even now! It really is a sacrifice!” So through the tears I began to sing, “The joy of the Lord is my strength”. In my heart there was a release as if a burden had been lifted. I finished the laundry at 2 AM and went to bed.

Her determination and selflessness is touching, but I don’t believe for a second that the “little voice” she heard wasn’t Jim Bob speaking in falsetto around the corner. God isn’t that much of an egotistical prick, is he? Atheists, don’t answer. And would he really say “things are going good”? Grammarians, don’t answer.

You’ll be happy to know that the family’s piano teacher now helps mom with the laundry. I guess dad doesn’t have time since he’s busy building the family’s new 7,000 square foot home.

Our new home will have a big dorm room for the boys and another for the girls, a 2000 square foot living room (which will be great for our home church meetings), a commercial kitchen similar to that of a restaurant with a dining hall, a big pantry, a play room, a master bedroom, a guest bedroom, a sewing room, an office, a laundry mat with 4 washers, 8 dryers and 10 bathrooms, all of which sits on 20 acres. To God be the Glory!

I can’t wait for these kids to grow up. The majority will probably end up as good adults who love to breed just like mom and pop. But some of them are bound to end up seriously maladjusted. At least one of them will be gay, but I’m guessing he or she will be heavily repressed.

We have witnessed, God is faithful & has always met our needs! We have paid cash for some small real estate investments & God has multiplied our income to take care of our growing family. He also enabled Jim Bob to have the freedom to run for & serve in the Arkansas House of Representatives from 1999 to 2002 & to run for the U.S. Senate in 2002.

Yes, Arkansas, your right to breed freely and excessively is safe in the hands of Jim Bob Duggar, your faithful and attentive state rep. But not so much your rights to unregulated nude dancing, unregulated library computers, and hate crime legislation.

Okay, I’m positive that these people are well-meaning and extremely nice. Their faith is admirable. They truly believe they are doing the right thing, and they square their actions with their values. I guess. I mean, the website makes it look like they do. But here’s what I think is a fair question: Just how ironically self-important do you have to be to think that it’s acceptable to keep relying on God to help you shore up the funds and the sanity to care for all these children? Christians like to trumpet humility in all things, but how is it humble to keep having children at the peril of your own well-being and, if you’re having trouble providing for them, that of your children?

Once upon a time, people had lots of children because they didn’t have a great understanding of contraception and fertility. They also needed lots of little hands to help get the crops in and keep the household running out there on the prairie. Science has changed the first circumstance; economics has changed the second. Now, giving birth to nearly 20 children on a planet that is pretty overpopulated, where the people (okay, Americans) are sucking up resources at a rate that is unrecoverable, seems selfish and excessive.

All kidding aside, I am glad to see a family out there that seems intact and happy and fulfilled, where the parents take such an active role in the childrearing. I would just encourage the Duggars to be satisfied with the 16 “gifts” they already have. And if that means getting separate bedrooms in that big new house of theirs, let it be so.