Internet, I almost don’t want to tell you this story because it is so gross. I mean, I have no problem talking about lost tampons or vomit, but this? This pushes my boundaries.<\/p>\n
But I’ll soldier on. <\/p>\n
The other night I was hanging out at home, G-chatting with Tamara, when I went to make myself a sandwich. I pulled out a piece of bread (wheat, in case you’re going for a complete mental picture) and saw some whispy white crap on the crust. Thinking it was mold, I reached for an additional piece to inspect it too. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something on the original piece move. I looked at it more closely AND SAW WHAT LOOKED LIKE A TINY WORM.<\/p>\n
I had the obligatory freakout that was only compounded when I saw ANOTHER TINY WORM on the same piece, and then the closer I looked, the more I saw on all the pieces and in the bottom of the bag. They were bread-colored and had I not stopped to look or had it not been well-lit, I totally would have shoved those nasty things into my piehole (my wormhole?). I was totally grossed out and, after cursing loudly and spooking the cats, ran back to the computer to type in allcaps to Tamara about what I had seen. We sort of halfway decided that what I had seen had to be maggots, and verbally retched for a while over how nasty maggots are and how in the shit they would have found their way into my less-than-a-week-old bread, which, just so we’re clear, I do NOT store inside a dog carcass.<\/p>\n
Later that night, when I had gotten my appetite back, I went back to the kitchen to seek out another carb-heavy foodstuff, because, Jesus, I was PMSing. Bingo, mini wheat bagels! I opened one up and nearly jumped out the window when I saw one of those nasty little bread-colored worms curled up inside and burrowing into a hole in the bread. It was at that point that the conspiracy theories started swirling in my head. Was I imagining these worms to keep me from eating bread so that my, ahem, “lifestyle change” would see quicker results? Did Schnucks sell me maggot-infested bread AND bagels? On the same night? Did I really live in squalor and was just so used to it that I didn’t even notice that I’d been noshing on worms for months? Seriously, had I ever eaten one of these nasty things? OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.<\/p>\n
I threw the bagels out, of course, and then resolved to thoroughly inspect everything that came out of my pantry \u2014 even the stuff that had been closed up tight \u2014 before it went into my mouth. And yet, even after thorough inspection, nothing tasted right. Everything came off a little … wormy<\/i>. <\/p>\n