{"id":2414,"date":"2009-05-14T02:42:18","date_gmt":"2009-05-14T07:42:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/?p=2414"},"modified":"2009-05-14T02:45:20","modified_gmt":"2009-05-14T07:45:20","slug":"this-isnt-the-whole-story-it-never-is-you-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/musings\/this-isnt-the-whole-story-it-never-is-you-know\/","title":{"rendered":"This isn’t the whole story. It never is, you know."},"content":{"rendered":"

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I’m writing right now. It’s good. It’s solid. The first thing I ever wanted to be in life was a writer, but at some point I realized how impractical that was as a profession, so I moved it from the career column to the hobby column. Muscles atrophied and confidence withered. I became crippled by my inability to end stories. So I stopped for a while. And then I started back. And then I stopped again. <\/p>\n

It comes and goes, it seems. I wrote a mediocre blank verse poem about my fickle muse once several years ago, about how the desire to create worlds can evaporate when you let other things get in the way. Or even if you don’t. But I know that it’s something I’ll never be able to give up. It’s just that I’ve got to figure out how to get better at it. How to do it more often. How to move it from hobby column past career column to obsession column. <\/p>\n

There’s just so much happening right now. I’m giving off light and heat and none of it’s for me and I’m afraid it’s all happening in a black hole anyway. <\/p>\n

Today was awful, just awful. And for no particularly specific reason. It seems kind of silly now. But not entirely. I am letting conspiracy theories run amok in my head. I am imagining the worst about everything and everyone. I am so angry at so many people and so many intangible concepts. I bury my doubts because I am never sure they are real. I am quick to grimace. I am full of self-loathing. I am not even PMSing, which makes me so angry because it means it’s not just a matter of waiting it out. It’s a very real matter of feeling small and at the same time feeling unable to hide from everyone’s judgment. I feel guilty and embarrassed about things I’m not even sure ever happened. I feel fucking psycho lately, to be honest. Psycho and scared. Because whatever rotten thread has held all this together so far is about to snap. This I know. <\/p>\n

And that’s fine. Nothing good ever happened without a catalyst. <\/p>\n

Nothing bad ever did either, though. <\/p>\n

So I wait. <\/p>\n

And, in the meantime, I will try to write. It feels so goddamned right sometimes that I could cry at the way I lay words together \u2014 like bricks and mortar \u2014 to craft reality. Other times, it’s all too contrived. But right now, things need to be said, things need to be written down, things need to be chiseled into the marble of posterity, and I need to stop stalling. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m writing right now. It’s good. It’s solid. The first thing I ever wanted to be in life was a writer, but at some point I realized how impractical that was as a profession, so I moved it from the career column to the hobby column. Muscles atrophied and confidence withered. I became crippled by my inability to end stories. So I stopped for a while. And then I started back. And then I stopped… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[220,31,355],"tags":[1068,2209,675,2259],"class_list":["post-2414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-creativity","category-musings","category-why-am-i-telling-you-this","tag-creating","tag-creativity","tag-musing","tag-writing"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1jWWl-CW","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2414","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2414"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2414\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2414"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}