{"id":5994,"date":"2012-05-28T22:06:03","date_gmt":"2012-05-29T04:06:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/?p=5994"},"modified":"2012-05-28T23:34:09","modified_gmt":"2012-05-29T05:34:09","slug":"krappy-literature-korner-fifty-shades-of-oh-my-god-why-is-this-so-terrible","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/randomosity\/krappy-literature-korner-fifty-shades-of-oh-my-god-why-is-this-so-terrible\/","title":{"rendered":"Krappy literature korner: Fifty Shades of OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS SO TERRIBLE"},"content":{"rendered":"

In a fit of wacky cultural assimilation, I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey<\/em> on my phone the other day to read while nursing. I’d heard on LITERALLY EVERY TELEVISION PROGRAM EVER that it was a racy book and mommies loved it and you just had to read it yourself and [ insert wide-eyed expression here ]. <\/p>\n

I feel like I have read a lot of terrible books for the sake of interesting blogging (remember The Man Plan<\/em><\/a>? and that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt monstrosity<\/a>?) so I consider myself to be a pretty reliable authority on terrible books. And I consider myself to be a pretty reliable authority on terrible erotica — because I’ve written lots of it! But Fifty Shades of Grey<\/em> is so abominably awful that it kind of makes me want to become celibate because it has RUINED SEX for me. As the HORRIBLE and BORING narrator would put it, My inner goddess climbed up on a desk and hanged herself with a necktie<\/i>. If you think I am kidding with that wording, you are so deliciously naive. That is exactly how narrator\/protagonist Anastasia thinks. And that is her name — Anastasia Steele. NO, REALLY!<\/p>\n

I’m not sure I can adequately describe the sheer magnitude of suck involved in this book. I thought I could handle it, but it hit me like a goddamned Hawking-Hole. I COULD NOT HANDLE THE AMOUNT OF SUCK INVOLVED IN THIS BOOK. Blogging about how much is sucks is KIND OF ORGASMIC, SEE HOW I KEEP YELLING? And while I kind of feel bad for the level of loathing I feel toward it, because it is the triumphant creative achievement of a fellow human being, I feel vindicated sharing my loathing because EL James is now incredibly freaking rich thanks to what she has done to me, to you, TO ALL OF US WHO CAN READ.<\/p>\n

Let me share with you some of the book’s most-used and most ridiculous phrases and words:<\/p>\n