{"id":6256,"date":"2013-03-07T11:26:35","date_gmt":"2013-03-07T17:26:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/?p=6256"},"modified":"2013-03-07T11:31:51","modified_gmt":"2013-03-07T17:31:51","slug":"horoscopes-for-toddlers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/parenthood\/horoscopes-for-toddlers\/","title":{"rendered":"Horoscopes for Toddlers"},"content":{"rendered":"

ARIES<\/strong>
\nYour upper lip will find itself in a fight with a puffs tin, and you will be suckerpunched by gravity and surprised by the floor when it rises to greet your face. The good news: The other babies will not f*ck with you because you will look like a boxer.
\nLucky numbers: None<\/p>\n

TAURUS<\/strong>
\nJupiter is in retrograde, even though Mommy said it was way up there in the sky. How could Mommy lie so easily? You might find comfort in long, indulgent juice binges to numb the pain of betrayal, but you will wake up soaked in pee pees. Choose carefully.
\nLucky numbers: 1 <\/p>\n

GEMINI<\/strong>
\nWhile it’s true that Grammy and Pop don’t appreciate your work as a mosaic artist who specializes in broken heirloom ceramics, the world some day just might. Don’t let their shock and horror discourage you; laugh maniacally at your grandparents to make sure you communicate your artistic vision.
\nLucky numbers: 70, 1,000<\/p>\n

CANCER<\/strong>
\nYour growing sense of deja vu is not deja vu at all: You really have been given the exact same oatmeal breakfast for 234 days in a row.
\nLucky numbers: 7, poop, 13<\/p>\n

LEO<\/strong>
\nThe pretty moving picture machine Daddy bought for you that he never seems to let you get anywhere near will stop working for some reason during your attempt to remove all the water from the bathtub and transfer it to Daddy while he’s playing Angry Birds on the pretty moving picture machine when he’s supposed to be washing your hair.
\nLucky numbers: 1-800-MY-IPHONE<\/p>\n

VIRGO<\/strong>
\nYou’re generous with affection, Virgo, and everyone is drawn to your spastic but heartfelt expressions. Kitty feels emotionally neglected enough these days that even your VERY HARD pats and eye-pokes are a welcome diversion. Be liberal with them. Occasionally put your face directly against his butthole. Mommy thinks it’s hilarious and the kitty loves it so much<\/i>.
\nLucky numbers: 911<\/p>\n

LIBRA<\/strong>
\nOnce you realize the power you wield over your parents via the monitor that sits next to their bed, you will be an unstoppable cockblocking machine.
\nLucky numbers: -30- <\/p>\n

SCORPIO<\/strong>
\nNo one can force you to take a stand or just to stand, period. If you feel pressured, it’s best to crumple into an awkwardly bent ball where you are and sing the wailing song of nonviolent resistance until someone picks you up and apologizes for being so presumptuous.
\nMommy and Daddy’s lucky numbers: 80 proof<\/p>\n

SAGITTARIUS<\/b>
\nYou will be surprised that the steaming hot coffee you’ve coveted every morning since you became independently mobile actually contains what tastes like soot from the fireplace mixed with lukewarm tub water. How does this disgusting elixer manage to animate your parents every morning?
\nLucky numbers: !!!<\/p>\n

CAPRICORN<\/b>
\nYour stash of floor Cheerios will be threatened by the dog, who hasn’t been fed in a week because your parents forgot he exists.
\nLucky numbers: O, O, O, O, O<\/p>\n

AQUARIUS<\/b>
\nEveryone thinks it’s cute that you change the channel to the public access station every time you get your hands on the remote, but you seriously just want to watch a city zoning and planning meeting for once because that affects your future more than just about anything else on the TV. Stupid grown-ups.
\nLucy numbers: Channel 3<\/p>\n

PISCES<\/b>
\nThe function and inner-workings of the stairs have mystified you for months, but you will have a breakthrough today when you realize that everything that gets thrown up to the top HAS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME. You will need an extra long nap to process this incredible information, as your brain risks overheating.
\nLucky numbers: Zzzz<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

ARIES Your upper lip will find itself in a fight with a puffs tin, and you will be suckerpunched by gravity and surprised by the floor when it rises to greet your face. The good news: The other babies will not f*ck with you because you will look like a boxer. Lucky numbers: None TAURUS Jupiter is in retrograde, even though Mommy said it was way up there in the sky. How could Mommy lie… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[1884],"tags":[1629,1312,1132,1944,1943,1942],"class_list":["post-6256","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenthood","tag-children","tag-humor","tag-parenting","tag-toddler-horoscope","tag-toddlers","tag-zodiac"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1jWWl-1CU","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6256","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6256"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6256\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6263,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6256\/revisions\/6263"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6256"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6256"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6256"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}