magenta sneakers<\/a> just won’t do. I have a pair of sensible orthopedic flat mules in my closet that are comfortable despite the fact that they occasionally, if you step just right, emit a fart noise from deep within the foot-to-shoe meeting point. I also have a pair of pointy-toed heel-strap mules with a cute little 1.5-inch kitten heel. <\/p>\nGuess which I chose to wear for a good six hours (just six hours? I am a complete wuss) Monday? Darling feets, I supposed you needn’t guess. I can tell from your pulsing and reluctance to touch any surfaces without emitting silent screams of agony that you know all too well which footwear I chose.<\/p>\n
Again, I’m sorry. When I go for months and months without dressing up, I tend to forget just how excruciating the recuperation process can be after a day of donning even slightly upscale footwear. I watch What Not to Wear<\/i> and I revel in the self-loathing-driven self-improvement process that infallibly includes a transition from comfortable footwear to shoes that are cute as hell but not exactly practical for women who, say, walk around for a living. <\/p>\n
Stacy London insists that pointy-toed kitten-heel shoes are comfortable, but I’ve yet to meet a pair that didn’t feel like a vat of hydrochloric acid by the end of the day. Perhaps I’m not shopping in stores that are upscale enough. <\/p>\n
You know what would be really handy? \u2014 If I could just bind my feet up in really cute shoes and have people carry me around on some sort of stretcher … no! a rickshaw! so that I didn’t have to actually move myself around or be independently mobile in any way. That would be awesome. Then I could wear all the cute shoes in the world and everything in my life would be perfect, because, really, my body parts are merely ornamental. <\/p>\n
You’d be up for that, right? Less work for you, and you could just be accessories and not have to do any work but looking cute, which is a full-time job in itself. After you had your role carved out, I’d get to work on these arms. There’s no reason why I should have to use them when I could just figure out a way to drape them in painful fabric and contraptions to make my body look as synthetic and unnatural as possible.<\/p>\n
Think it over and get back to me,<\/p>\n
Lindsey<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Y’all, I am so sorry for this weekend. I was mean to you and I had no right to be. Blame the patriarchy. And my occational compliance with its demands. Okay, just blame me. I gave in and I knew better. See, sometimes you have to get prettied up and flip-flops or magenta sneakers just won’t do. I have a pair of sensible orthopedic flat mules in my closet that are comfortable despite the fact… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-957","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1jWWl-fr","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/957","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=957"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/957\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=957"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=957"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theogeo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=957"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}