So the year is basically half over. Huh. Today as I was driving back to Memphis from my parents’ house, I thought about all the shit that’s happened this year and what I’ve learned and blah blah false adult lessons hooey.
Just now I started writing about this fucking mess of a year so far, when I realized that that’s pretty much all I’ve written about for months now. This post in particular is probably what I would have accidentally plagiarized had I not been flipping through the archives and seen it on my own just now.
I’m pissed off, I guess. There’s a current of anger running just beneath my skin that I can’t seem to let go of. I am so angry at specific people for specific (if somewhat nebulous) reasons (specifically, I am angry at people for not loving me the way I want to be loved, or at all, or not loving me when they said they would, or not respecting my friendship, or being a disappointment, or whatever whatever et cetera and so on) and I am so fucking angry at myself for not being able to climb up out of that petty-ass sludge and get all zen on the world’s ass. Because my life is great. My life is fucking great. There is suffering everywhere I look, all the way around me, 360 degrees, zoom out, suffering everywhere. But my life? I’m coasting. I’m doing fine. I have nothing to complain about. Seriously. The only thing missing from my life right now is that true love bullshit that I want but don’t believe in but really do because I’ve had it before and I’m delusional enough to think I can have it again, even if I doubt that I’m capable of it.
I want to transcend all the shit. I want to call out each and every person who has broken my heart or my trust or my spirit and tell them to fuck off. I want to blow doors off hinges and sweep through lives like a force of nature that’s to be reckoned with and make sure every molecule under this tedious fucking sun understands that I am not to be fucked with.
These are silly fantasies straight from the mind of someone who has made a lifetime of being an emotional doormat. These are the half-crazed mind movies of someone who is as lost as she is sure of where she’s going. These are feelings that will hopefully evaporate some day if I starve them of toxins long enough.
I’m with you on looking back on the year so far. It’s been a major disappointment for us in regards to jobs and stuff.
I wish you well in the rest of it. Always rooting for you and always loving your posts.
It’s unlikely that any year could possibly top last year in terms of abject shitiness for me; it did reaffirm one thing that I should have learned a long time ago, but it didn’t quite take: As long as you define your happiness in terms of your relationship with other people, you are doomed to be unhappy a lot of the time.
I do hope you find what you’re looking for, though.
i’m sorry i disappointed you, elle tee! <3
The first half of this year has been particularly shitty, I think, for a lot of people. For me it’s been realizing that some friendships are just hell-bent on dying, and it’s not so easy to make new ones when you’re 30 and crotchety and particular about who you keep company with. But realizing I’m no longer valued as a friend by friends I’ve had for years and years just because I’m not in the same life stage as them has been difficult. So in a way, I hear ya, even if it’s not really the same thing at all.
Good post. I have been reading your blog at times for a bit now, and I enjoy the journey. You have a way with words that speak to me, and though I would let you know. Thank you.