ARIES
Your upper lip will find itself in a fight with a puffs tin, and you will be suckerpunched by gravity and surprised by the floor when it rises to greet your face. The good news: The other babies will not f*ck with you because you will look like a boxer.
Lucky numbers: None
TAURUS
Jupiter is in retrograde, even though Mommy said it was way up there in the sky. How could Mommy lie so easily? You might find comfort in long, indulgent juice binges to numb the pain of betrayal, but you will wake up soaked in pee pees. Choose carefully.
Lucky numbers: 1
GEMINI
While it’s true that Grammy and Pop don’t appreciate your work as a mosaic artist who specializes in broken heirloom ceramics, the world some day just might. Don’t let their shock and horror discourage you; laugh maniacally at your grandparents to make sure you communicate your artistic vision.
Lucky numbers: 70, 1,000
CANCER
Your growing sense of deja vu is not deja vu at all: You really have been given the exact same oatmeal breakfast for 234 days in a row.
Lucky numbers: 7, poop, 13
LEO
The pretty moving picture machine Daddy bought for you that he never seems to let you get anywhere near will stop working for some reason during your attempt to remove all the water from the bathtub and transfer it to Daddy while he’s playing Angry Birds on the pretty moving picture machine when he’s supposed to be washing your hair.
Lucky numbers: 1-800-MY-IPHONE
VIRGO
You’re generous with affection, Virgo, and everyone is drawn to your spastic but heartfelt expressions. Kitty feels emotionally neglected enough these days that even your VERY HARD pats and eye-pokes are a welcome diversion. Be liberal with them. Occasionally put your face directly against his butthole. Mommy thinks it’s hilarious and the kitty loves it so much.
Lucky numbers: 911
LIBRA
Once you realize the power you wield over your parents via the monitor that sits next to their bed, you will be an unstoppable cockblocking machine.
Lucky numbers: -30-
SCORPIO
No one can force you to take a stand or just to stand, period. If you feel pressured, it’s best to crumple into an awkwardly bent ball where you are and sing the wailing song of nonviolent resistance until someone picks you up and apologizes for being so presumptuous.
Mommy and Daddy’s lucky numbers: 80 proof
SAGITTARIUS
You will be surprised that the steaming hot coffee you’ve coveted every morning since you became independently mobile actually contains what tastes like soot from the fireplace mixed with lukewarm tub water. How does this disgusting elixer manage to animate your parents every morning?
Lucky numbers: !!!
CAPRICORN
Your stash of floor Cheerios will be threatened by the dog, who hasn’t been fed in a week because your parents forgot he exists.
Lucky numbers: O, O, O, O, O
AQUARIUS
Everyone thinks it’s cute that you change the channel to the public access station every time you get your hands on the remote, but you seriously just want to watch a city zoning and planning meeting for once because that affects your future more than just about anything else on the TV. Stupid grown-ups.
Lucy numbers: Channel 3
PISCES
The function and inner-workings of the stairs have mystified you for months, but you will have a breakthrough today when you realize that everything that gets thrown up to the top HAS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME. You will need an extra long nap to process this incredible information, as your brain risks overheating.
Lucky numbers: Zzzz