I’ve been struggling with sour soul lately, so I did a little bit of unplugging, including from Twitter, and what happens? Last night I get a notification that my mother is now following me. That flash you just saw? That was the illusion that I am not a foul-mouthed, drunken degenerate taking to the sky with pigs. So, Internet, welcome my mother to Twitter. She has three followers right now: Me, my sister, and “Britney…
Mother’s Day this year entailed a giant box of fried chicken (fifty pieces!) and me sipping on sugary homemade margaritas and watching cable on a big-screen TV for nine hours. I gave my mom a couple of mom-and-daughter-themed books and she was so touched that, the next day, she went and got two huge pink peonies out of the flower bed and brought them in while serenading me with “You Are So Beautiful.” She’s the…
ACT ONE Mom (straightening her reading glasses): This is the Sarah Palin look. Dad: Yeah, but she’s got all of her teeth. Mom: And her husband’s good looking, too! Krissie: And one of her children is mentally challenged. Which one of us would that be? Dad: Do you really want me to answer that? ACT TWO Patrick and the Mystery Drink from Lindsey Turner on Vimeo.
A few weeks ago, my dad’s heart doctor suspected that Dad had had a heart attack some time recently. So he sent him to Memphis for a battery of tests. I hoofed it out east yesterday to sit with my parents in the waiting room in between the tests. The people at the Stern Cardio clinic were ridiculously nice to us. I watched my dad come and go from the waiting room while wearing a…
My mother has been grieving for weeks over a ring that my dad gave her on April 1 four years ago that she lost recently. She left me the saddest voice mail earlier today, first recapping all the local news (my sister has pneumonia, my dad’s heart doctor appointment here in town is for the 9th, etc.) and then wrapping up the message by saying how she was kinda down today because of the missing…
Mom says the annual ladybug infestation has begun in earnest. She’s been finding hundreds of them in the basement on the windowsills, in clumps, dead or dying or just plain giving up. She said at first she’d salvage the living ones and put them on her plants to eat the aphids. But they’d defect and end up on the sills again. Eventually they’d end up in the belly of her vacuum cleaner. I got really…
More evidence that my mom is a comedian just waiting for her big break: 1. “When I finally get Alzheimer’s, I’m going to get the good kind. I’ll just be laughing all the time!” 2. “I know you can’t stand watermelon, but it’s good for you! It makes you pee. Anything that makes you pee has to be good for you.”
I’m sitting in my parents’ kitchen, showing my sister how to work the iMac I’m giving her (farewell, trusty iMac; you did me right for four years and I will miss you mightily), and explaining the concept of the dock. Mom observes. Me: You can customize the size of the dock or move it around on the screen, whatever you want. [eyes Mom] Cool, huh? Y’all should buy a Mac. Come to the dark side!…
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