Mere minutes from noon. I’ve finished my breakfast — scrambled eggs (with gouda!) and biscuits and coffee. I only get a few cups a week so I’ve decided to have them at home, where we use a grinder and a French press. I don’t care if it’s pretentious; it tastes infinitely better than the reheated Maxwell House sludge I end up with at work.
Been feeling pretty crummy lately in the head region. Of course the ultrasound business has me skating on a quiet baseline of dread, but other things seem to be nipping at my heels a little more than usual, and I’ve found myself sinking to the floor here and again, having little gulping breakdowns no one ever notices. My family is drama-laden lately: My sister is barely speaking to my parents and there seems to be inexplicable animosity growing for reasons I can only guess at. Seems like this happens every few years and I don’t know why, but it breaks my heart all the same. It made for a tense visit a couple of weeks ago when I had to beg my sister and nephews to come participate in the big news about the baby boy. It was still kind of awkward but we made it. Mom has plenty of bad days and Dad is working all the time, in 12-hour shifts on the night side. Their house is overrun with pissing dogs. Age is taking its toll on everyone and I find myself wishing I’d had a baby years ago before everyone got so worn out.
At home, I’m living on what feels like an emotional island.
So many things just seem broken lately.
Don’t worry, L.T. Things really do have a way of healing themselves in time. For instance, one of my very best friends was mad at me pretty recently. I flaked on her and didn’t make it to this thing she had planned and it was the last straw for her in my flaking streak. She didn’t really speak to me for a while and I was absolutely crushed and heartsick for weeks. I don’t think she knew how horrible I felt and that I even cried. She’s very dear to me and I think really highly of her. So when someone you care about so much is SOOO mad at you…you just feel like the lowest low thing on earth. Very slowly, however, things returned to normal and all is right with the world again.
But more to the point, there will always be family dramas and I fear as we get older we realize that romanticized plan for our families in the future will never quite live up to our expectations. They don’t even come close, really. But family is family and in most of our cases we love them enough to hang on…waiting and sifting through the uncomfortable times to find the little, dirty gold nuggets of good.
This is a horrible post by the way. I feel like my words are a big bunch of heavy rocks I’m dumping clumsily out of a dirty, old bag.
Anyway, more to the point AGAIN…I think you’ll be surprised when Little Baby Bachman Turner Overdrive arrives and your family finds a renewed energy. A little common cause to rally around. A little unifying bundle of joy.
So buck up, ol’ chum. Things will be ok. :)
Hugs, honey. Call me when you’re feeling shitty.