My dad is a snorer. A robust Olympian of a snorer. The kind of snorer who can shake walls and summon earthquakes with his tracheal vibrations. For years I suffered through family vacations spent sleeping in the same room as my parents. As soon as dad would nod off — which never took long, as damn near everyone in my family is more or less narcoleptic — I knew that was all the wrote, and at best I’d get a couple of broken hours of sleep that night. I buried my face in pillows and shoved earplugs into my head and pitched unholy but silent fits at the injustice. I just couldn’t understand why Dad couldn’t just not snore so I could sleep. It seemed so simple.
Aaaaand then I grew up and into a snorer too. I didn’t even know it had happened until I moved in with my boyfriend in college and he got the pleasure of discovering it and letting me in on the secret. Except, truthfully or not, he told me he thought it was cute. So I always just sort of imagined that I cooed adorably in my sleep a little every now and again, and that my breath smelled of roses and my drool turned into diamonds when it hit the pillow.
Since then I have had multiple people break the awful truth to me again and again: I am a snorer, and it’s not cute, and did I know I sometimes sound like I am going to die mid-slumber?
You win this round of Lesson Learnedness, Universe.
In the intervening years, Dad learned that he has sleep apnea, which is a cruel sleep disorder in which you are sleepy and tired all the time, but the time you spend sleeping is so choppy thanks to your inability to breathe properly that you don’t get any rest at all. Hence being tired all the time. He wakes up dozens of times an hour, every hour, to try to regain his breath. The doctors put him on a CPAP machine years ago, and it took him a long time to get used to it, but it seems to be helping a bit. Since then, mom’s gotten diagnosed with sleep apnea too. And Grandmaw. The snoring scourge has been somewhat tamed by large, expensive, unsexy apparatuses that are not unlike nighttime gas masks. My (very brief, very digital) research leads me to believe that sleep apnea/snoring is at least partly inherited, and exacerbated by things like being overweight and a fondness for cheese and booze. OH HOORAY.
Recently I have been feeling real sheepish about my snoring problem. See, there is this guy I’ve taken a real strong shine to who occasionally finds himself in my house overnight, and he very often has to get up early for work. My bedroom is quiet — perhaps too quiet — so any rattly peep I make is amplified, causing this guy to lose precious minutes of REM time. I have told him to just nudge me or move my head when I start snoring and I’ll stop. This is mostly true. But I can’t ask him to be the snore police all night. Which is why when I felt him nudge me in the wee hours of this morning, I just moseyed on out of the bedroom and took to the couch. It was a blow to my ego — I mean, I’m still trying to impress this guy, not make him lie awake, cursing my existence — but I’d much rather feel a little embarrassed than lie there and ruin his entire night and the entire next heavy-eyed day.
So obviously I need some kind of soothing, noisemaking something-or-other in the bedroom that will help offset the noise I make. (Frankly, I miss my old apartment’s rumbly loud window AC unit, which did double duty as a cat-mewling masker.) But then what? Lose weight? Liposuction my neck fat? Tracheotomy (Nick’s suggestion)? Give in and go to a sleep clinic and see just how bad my problem is? Ugh. I really don’t even want to know how bad it is, and I’m too stubborn to give in to the CPAP right now, despite how it will probably fix all my problems and cure futurecancer too.
But I really don’t want to run that very sweet man out of my bed either.
There are mouth splints that can open your airway enough to really help sleep apnea…might be worth investigating. They take getting used to and you gag a bit in the beginning…but you get used to it. Good luck!
With all due respect, get thy self to a sleep clinic and soon. Without trying to sound dire, Sleep Apnea CAN be fatal. You also have a family history, which makes it worse.
Just because you may wear a mask with a tube coming from it will not scare off the fellow who comes by, not if he really is all that. He may even find it cute, you never know!
Try using breath right nasal strips. Lonnie snores something awful, but he definitely quietens down when he uses the strips. And it is adorable to see your loved one wearing a goofy bandage across their nose when they get up in the morning. Like you two had a little fistfight in your sleep.
I have to agree with Steve that you’re downplaying the most important part of going and seeing if you have apnea–it can kill you. That’s not a rare side-effect of having it. That’s pretty much right in line after “can’t sleep through the night,” “tired all the time,” and “snores”–“oops, you died before we diagnosed you.”
As for the CPAP machine, yes, it sucks, but, let me tell you, I would do the kind of sleep I get on it like a recreational drug, if I didn’t need it.
So, think of it like a bong. Bongs are ugly, but what kind of jackass would be “Um, I can’t sleep here because your bong is ugly”? Who’s embarrassed by how they look when they use a bong?
No one, because a bong is not about being pretty; it’s about feeling fine.
Same thing with a CPAP, but it’s legal and you don’t have to hide it when your folks come.
I second the suggestion to try Breathe-Right strips; those simple little things can work astonishing miracles, *for some people*. Try them for one night; if they work, they’ll work immediately.
And if they don’t work, get you a CPAP machine. My friend Joe had horrible sleep apnea and didn’t even know it; he just felt awful all the time. Then his doctor checked him out and put him on a CPAP machine, and Joe said, without irony, “It’s like I got a brand-new life.”
If this fella you’re taking a shine to is worth a rap (which it sounds like he is), he’ll be glad you’re getting decent sleep and won’t care what it looks like.
Your friends are making this CPAP machine sound pretty good. Maybe manfriend will even want to borrow it sometimes. If it is loud, it can be your white noise. :) I am rooting for you…quietly, of course.
Yup, I second the Breathe Right strips. It probably wouldn’t hurt for you to see a doc, but I’m betting the BR strips will do the trick. I’m a big snorer too (and had no idea until I was well into my thirties – the man I lived with through most of my twenties confirmed that yep, I had been snoring as long as he knew me) and my mom tells me the Breathe Right strips work on me and I don’t make a sound. Some folks I’ve shared a hotel room with in recent years say I don’t snore with a BR strip on either.
My future father-in-law uses them too and his other half says he doesn’t snore either as long as he has one on.
And they have clear ones now so they’re not that noticeable.
My own better half can’t stand snoring so needless to say I’m investing in a ton of the Breathe Right strips once I ever get moved.
Anyway, yeah. I mean, yes, especially with your family history you should probably make an appointment just to be sure. But I’m betting the Breathe Right strips will do the trick.
sleep apnea may seem harmless but they can really trigger some other bad effects on your health ~