I’ve long known that celebrities are more powerful than the rest of us, and that they have direct, unfettered access to one of the myriad ears of God in case they need someone smote for talking smack about their huge, diseased lips.
But I didn’t realize that you could be smote multiple times for offending a celebrity. I really thought I had toughed the worst of my karmic punishment earlier this year.
Not so much.
My lips are broken again. And they hurt like mofos. It started last week, just out of nowhere, suddenly they were all red and chapped and itchy. I thought it was my lip balm, so I stopped using it for a day. Didn’t make an effing difference. It was suddenly like the middle of winter, and I was shredding down some snow-covered mountain, my lips on fire from the wind and the moisture and the little flecks of ice embedding their way into my skin.
‘Cept it was the end of September and neither cold nor hot but PERFECT. And it’s not even like I’d been spending any more time outside than usual, so my lips weren’t sunburned (my aforementioned lip balm has a cushy SPF anyway).
Sooooo, today I wake up and I can feel that something’s not right before I even stumble my way toward a mirror. The lips just feel heavy and thick and wide (not to mention uncomfortably itchy). And, sure enough, my reflection confirms my suspicions. These babies are huge today. Angelina huge. Like, I could pucker up and cause pre-teens to faint (from horror, sure, but faint nonetheless).
So I’ve popped a B-complex pill and I’m going to revisit the Vitamin E capsules. I’m also going to try some Benadryl, as this seems like an allergic reaction more than anything. To what, I don’t know, since I’ve been using the same lip balm for months and I’ve not eaten or imbibed anything out of the ordinary.
Yet here I sit, too uncomfortable to smile or smooch or even go out in public, I look and feel so crappy.
It’s just celebrity justice gone awry. Angelina Jolie is clearly trying to give me the part of her that I find most unsettling. But if Angelina really wants to teach me a lesson, she should know that I love her lips but really hate everything else about her, especially her ass.
Okay, karma, take it away!