Lately I have been salving my existential scrapes with poems and new music, and finding that both just increase that feeling of dread that always nips at my heels and keeps my mind running running tripping in the alley running. People have asked me recently if I am happy and I find myself unable to even consider that question without hinging it on a cascade of qualifiers. My gut reaction is of course I’m happy, what kind of question is that? but my defensiveness perhaps belies some festering doubt that I’ve not been able to chase or drink away.
And yet.
The things I long for are so simple that they mock me tirelessly from the shadows as I flounder.
Life for the goal-oriented person is particularly cruel because there are no measurable objectives. Life is swell, more or less, and I am generally pretty happy with the little existence I’ve carved out for myself. But I’m a fuckup and an emotional klutz and I seem to either create or be attracted to chaos that I can never quite get a handle on.
Oh, God, is this where I start talking about some grass-is-greener nonsense? No, that’s not where I was headed originally. This started out sincere but I’ve clearly gotten bored with it and the words aren’t coming to me and I just want to hit publish so I can fucking get back to work on all the crap I am CONSTANTLY working on.
Maybe I can flesh these thoughts out some night when I’m not so irrationally angry at ghosts and monsters that I can’t even see.
If I may, if you’re a creative (or at least emotionally aware) person. This feeling most likely will stay with you forever. I’m happy and yet I’m constantly feeling like I should be doing SOMETHING else. That there’s something out there beyond where I am now. My father has been chasing those things for 65 years. Because of the chase, his life has been full of amazing stories and connections. Because of the chase, I’m here. Because of the chase, you find the most amazing and extraordinary things. It also means that its hard to feel satisfied.
Continue to kick ass ma’am. That’s what its all about.
This is a perfect post, if there ever was one.
Also, what knots said. Selfishly, I love what he/she said because I want to take “if you’re a creative (or at least emotionally aware) person. This feeling most likely will stay with you forever.” and apply it to myself.
Because I often feel like there is always one facet of my life that is fractured or just. not. quite. there. But maybe that’s ok. Maybe that is what keeps us going?
Mrs Megan. If you suddenly finished the game of “life” (I loved that game) on Thursday, what the fuck would you do on Friday?
Haha, get wasted?
But you know what I mean, right? Like as soon as I get three ducks in a row, the fourth pops out of line. So I work on getting that one back to how I like it, and then the second one is effed up.
But sometimes I think it’s just supposed to be that way.