theology&geometry

I caught wind on Twitter that Chipper Jones is retiring. I haven’t kept up very much with Chipper or baseball in general for many years, but back in seventh or eighth grade, I fell hard for Chipper. I just happened to see his face flit across the TV during the game and I was instantly in love. He had that easy boyish grin that always hooks me. I watched the game to find out his name and from then on did everything I could to find out every morsel about his life. This was pre-internet so it wasn’t easy, but I was very devoted. I watched every game that I could catch on television and recorded them, even if I had watched them live. I clipped stories from the newspaper that mentioned him, and clipped his box score if he’d had a good game. I watched SportsCenter for highlights of the games to catch a glimpse of him. I amassed lots of Chipper and Braves memorabilia — glossy photos, pennants, keychains, hats, shirts, magazines. I drew rudimentary portraits of Chipper and hung them on my wall. I was his biggest fan.

Our eighth grade class took a trip to Atlanta to a Braves game (I don’t remember why now; I will have to consult my diary) and I was sort of convinced in that eighth-grade way of thinking that I was going to be able to meet Chipper Jones and he was going to fall for me despite my braces and my being 14 freaking years old. Turns out our seats were on the third-base line (yay!) but we were way out in the outfield. Not even within yelling distance of Chipper. (Now I don’t remember anything about the game except the extremely drunk GROWN-ASS dude who put his arm around me and had people take our picture. My teacher, Mrs. Yeiser, tried to confiscate the roll of film, heh. She did not get it. Now where is that dang picture?!)

So, I didn’t meet and snag Chipper. But I kept hope alive.

I remember being so upset that Hideo Nomo won rookie of the year that year instead of Chipper. And now where is Hideo Nomo? HE DON’T PLAY BALL NOMO. I’m sorry. But the snub stung and may have fucked up my head a little bit.

I really got a reality smack across the face during a game one day many months into my crush, when the camera panned over some big-haired lady in the audience. She was wearing a cowboy hat and she was very blonde. The announcer mentioned that this was Mrs. Chipper Jones and my heart fell out of my chest with a wet thud. Wait, he was MARRIED?! To a lady wearing a COWBOY HAT?! And so that day I began mopping up my messy affections for the third baseman from Marietta, Ga., realizing they were a pipe dream. Also I probably had some other dude I was crushing on at the time so I had to reserve my energy and pour it directly into that ridiculousness.

So, fare well in your retirement, Chipper. I’ll always have fond memories of your prickly little goatee and your chewing-tobacco habit. You know, I always thought that was super gross but I was going to make an exception just for you.

My mom and dad came to town yesterday evening to visit and do some baby squidging. Ray and I had been talking about going to a Grizzlies game, and dad had mentioned a while back he’d like to join us. So we headed to FedExForum for dad’s first NBA game ever, and our second time out of the house without Holden.

I hadn’t bought tickets ahead of time because the Grizzlies were playing the Nuggets, and I figured there would be plenty of cheap seats left. I mean, at least three cheap seats. Because that is what experience has taught me. I don’t ever figure the Forum will sell out any ticket levels unless it’s the playoffs or some crazy popular team is in town. Not a lot of Denver fans around here, I’d wager. But maybe I’m wrong.

Because when we got to the window and asked for three $5 seats on a non-goal side of the arena, the ticket lady did her computer search for a few seconds. Some dude in a suit was hovering behind her although I’m not sure that has anything to do with anything, other than it feeds my conspiracy theory. The lady told us they were sold out of $5 seats. Huh. What’s the next price level up? We’ll take that, we said. My dad forked over the $54 ($18 apiece) (he insisted on paying!) and we took our tickets and went inside, surprised at what a robust turnout a Denver game apparently inspired.

Until we got to our seats. Our seats that might as well have been $5 seats, they were so nosebleedy.

I don’t know if the Forum/Grizzlies have changed their seating pricing or reduced the number of $5 seats (it’s possible, but I can’t find anything about it online), but we were seated more or less in the same place I have sat many times before for $5, except it cost us $13 more per seat. And the rub? There were rows and rows and rows of empty seats behind us and all over the Forum. Did all those seats really belong to $5 ticket holders who had just not shown up, or who had moved down a few rows to the $18 seats? (I know they didn’t dare get on to the club level or below; they police those levels pretty well.) Or did some scalpers have a bunch of $5 tickets they didn’t unload? Or are those seats now also $18 seats, all the way to the wall at the very top of the arena? (The item here about a Taco Bell super saver seat makes me wonder if they really have reduced the number of $5 seats to just a small section. Even if they did, that section was not sold out. You can see it still fairly empty in this picture, on the left side toward the top.)

I don’t know. But — as I tend to do from time to time — I think it’s really suspicious. I guess I could get on the phone and try and find out more information, like someone with a journalism degree. Yep. Maybe I will do that and report back.

Anyway, it gave my dad sort of a bad taste in his mouth about how the business is being run. He thinks we got squeezed, either overtly or as a direct result of some bullshit scalping action throwing ticket prices off. Luckily, he had a great time at the game itself and wants to come to more. But at $18 a head for a meh seat, it becomes the kind of activity that we can’t exactly do very often. Maybe my age and naïveté is showing, and a $5 seat is too cheap these days so it has to be treated like a special promotion. But as a part owner of FedExForum (heh), I feel somewhat cheated.

*It has just occurred to me that this could be a manufactured memory. Did I make this up? Did I ever see a Grizzlies game for $5? I really, really thought I had seen a few at this price point. Now I am so worried that I am completely delusional.

Incredible game. Take that energy to Texas, boys.

[Project 365]

Not the best seat in the house, but suspenseful nonetheless.

[Project 365]

Put the ball in the basket a lot more than the other team, and keep your hands off the competition.

Also, fundamentals.

And try to sing upbeat montage tunes like the one dude pictured above.

You’re welcome.

At long last, baseball season is here. Thanks to Jen, I got to get comfy in the work suite and watch one of the first games of the season among a dozen other fans. (Seriously, Memphis, what gives? Go see these games.) The game was uneventful and we lost, but there is nothing finer than the whistle of the wind and the crack of a bat and the oof of an error in a ballpark in early spring.

[Project 365]

It can be … tense.

[Project 365]

Paid good money for nosebleed tickets for the fella, since he is a Lakers enthusiast (and Derrick Caracter fanboy) and I am basically the best girlfriend ever. It was interesting to see that many people in FedExForum. And yes, I’ve been to a Tigers game.

There were moments during the game where the Grizzlies seemed cohesive and like they were going to bowl over the Lakers without looking back. And then there were stretches of time where I felt like I was watching a high school game. Still, I have got such a soft spot for my Grizz. And the grannies and grandpas.

I suppose the highlight of the game was watching Ron Artest act like a giant effing baby when he got popped in the face. Look, you stand near either of those Gasol bastards and you’re going to get smacked by a flailing and very pale limb; that is just a fact of life. Man up, Ron. Go buy yourself something nice. Like an island.

(I honestly don’t know why I picked this picture for the day. I guess I could have picked this one but it’s not like you can see anything in that one either.)

[Project 365]

Saturday afternoon my aunt Vicki and her crew — boyfriend Paul and friend Ralph — rolled into town for the UT-Memphis football game, an affair we had been planning for months. We had a few hours to kill and found ourselves at India Palace, heaping piles of deliciousness onto stark white buffet plates. Why is it that I can never remember to wait and get a big plate from the middle, and instead, always end up using the smallish dessert plates for my noms? Anyway. I cracked the “hey guys, watch how many refills we’ll get” joke a little too loudly, I think, because I ended up only getting two. TWO! At one point my water glass even reached nearly empty. Maybe they were short-staffed, I dunno. Also, the bf was unamused by my “punch the horse painting” joke, probably because I had no way of explaining exactly what the hell that even meant, even when sitting there, staring at said horse painting face to face, but how can someone not laugh at that phrase alone? Just say it and try not to laugh. Or think about masturbation. See? Funny shit.

We killed a couple of additional hours at my house, getting our pre-game on, and then it was a short walk to the Liberty Bowl (yay free parking!), where I was a tad dismayed to watch the stadium fill up with orange. Poor Tigers. Even when the Vols suck, their fans come to watch. The game was pretty brutal to behold. I tried to be an impartial observer; I sure am not going to root for UT and my loyalties don’t exactly lie with the Tigers either, but they are my hometown team and it hurt to see them get beat up the way they did in front of a teeming, taunting orange crowd. Alas. Sports, she is a cruel mistress.

I missed nearly the entire first quarter because I took it upon myself to go in search of beer for the group, since auntie had bought my first round and gotten me into the game. Lord god, the belly of the Liberty Bowl reminds me of both the New York City subway system and also some apocalyptic movie where everyone lives in underground tunnels and buys wares with cash — CASH!!! — from price-gouging kiosks. Oh, and there is only one working ATM in the entire world and it is located exactly halfway around the globe, so have fun getting there and back in a reasonable amount of time. Oh, and the beers are $7 and the Budweiser hawkers will only let you have two at a time, which puts a crimp in your plan to shove several in your purse and share with the group. Oh, and you can’t get a text out to inform your group that you are, in fact, not dead, just running behind on accounta the ATM situation and the bathroom situation (oh how I longed for a Stadium Pal) and the beer situation. IT’S MADNESS UNDER THAT STADIUM. Up top, however, it’s quite nice. I’d never been in there before and I must say I think the Liberty Bowl’s quite fetching, despite its age. Paul kept describing it as “undulating,” and I think that’s about right.

The score hit 50-7 and we decided that there was probably no big come-from-behind U of M win to keep us there past the third quarter, so we vamoosed. We heard the Tigers score a touchdown somewhere between the stadium and my house. My Vol-loving companions were unfazed.

It was great to see dear auntie; I think the last time we saw each other was Christmas of ’08, in the mountains at the Timeshare of Family Near-Breakdown (which she luckily missed by a day or so). That’s just too dang long between visits and I intend to remedy that in the coming year.

Photo up top is a composite made using AutoStitch Panorama for iPhone.

Things the bf and I may have yelled at the TV while watching the Colts-Eagles game when Austin Collie got smacked around a bit and the officials called unnecessary roughness and Collie laid pretty still there for a several minutes:

“Get that vegetable off the field!”

“Yeah, this isn’t a farm!”

I am only posting this because Collie turned out to be merely concussed or some such and also because I have no shame.