Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 9 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? I love you. 2. What makes mom happy? Being kind and respectful. 3. What makes mom sad? Her child getting injured. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? When she says “bonk.” 5. What was your mom like as a child? Cautious. 6. How old is your mom? 39. 7. How…
It’s Saturday, March 14. I’m having a normal day. Coffee. Scrolling through posts on my phone — first in one app, then another, then again in the first app as if I hadn’t just done that very thing minutes before. It is the first normal day after so many not normal days that it feels decadent, like chocolate ganache in the form of minutes. The hours stretch out before me as if to tease me,…
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 8 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? Sweetie bear. 2. What makes mom happy? When I do my homework really fast. 3. What makes mom sad? When I say cuss words. Or when I call her stupid. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? You give me the tickle tackle. 5. What was…
I could write a million words (and probably will) on what it’s like to parent this child, but I believe the essence of everything I could ever say is captured in this image.
Before you have children, you think, I won’t be one of those parents who uses fear and coercion to control my children’s behavior. Guess what, pal. You’re wrong! You’ll use whatever desperate tactics your exhausted lizard brain can muster in whatever theatre of parenting war you’re enduring at any given moment. And guess what the native tongue of your lizard brain is. That’s right, you pitiful, clueless dolt: Fear. My child convinced me right before…
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 7 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? Bonk. 2. What makes mom happy? Flushing the toilet and wiping my butt and washing my hands. 3. What makes mom sad? When I call you stupid. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? You fart. 5. What was your mom like as a child? I…
We bought bikes. It was at my insistence, a desperate middle-aged Hail Mary to try to find some form of exercise that I don’t hate so that I don’t end up in a Little Rascal at Walmart before I’m forty. “Let’s get bikes for Christmas!” I told my husband back in October, when we were settling on the notion of not buying Christmas gifts for one another. He agreed, as he is wonderful and actually…
Holden, On your seventh birthday, when I picked you up from your dad’s house, as you were buckling yourself in, I said: “In celebration of your birthday, what song would you like to hear?” “Any song?” you asked. You already had me trapped and I didn’t even know it. “Any song,” I said. You wanted to hear the song on the mixed CD in my car that you heard part of once (before I realized…
About a month ago we took off to Panama City Beach for a week. I’d been wanting to make a beach trip with Holden for a few years now, and it finally seemed like the time to do it. My little waterbirth baby hasn’t spent much time near the ocean or any body of water, for that matter. As a baby and toddler, his dad wasn’t too keen on taking him to public pools. He…
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 6 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? Stop getting in Sandy’s face. 2. What makes mom happy? To listen and get out of Sandy’s face. 3. What makes mom sad? When I don’t listen to you. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? By saying I’m gonna poop in your face. 5. What…
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