1. Periodically spill coffee all over yourself and your office furniture to ensure a warm and cozy lingering scent at all times.
2. Make eye contact with all horses you see on the interstate.
3. Buy a loaf of Italian bread and cut into slices that you only eat right before bedtime.
4. Test your dog’s love for you by applying a charcoal mask and making quick, uncertain movements around her.
5. When lying in bed and drinking out of a wine glass, use your expensive and allergic-to-liquid smartphone as a coaster right next to you.
6. Time your annual mental breakdown for the third quarter so you’ll have a better chance of having met your deductible by then.
7. Age five is the PERFECT age to have The Talk* with your child.
8. Use coffee with creamer as creamer.
9. There is actually a silent I in team, nestled uncomfortably between the E and A, and only you can see it and hear its anguished cries.
10. No matter how inexpensive the Groupon, never ever opt in to a slaycation.
*The Talk is when you tell a child that he HAS to eat the boring part of Lucky Charms and not just the marshmallows