At least it’s transient, I guess

I’m in a foul mood. Have been all day. It’s mostly related to money and not having enough to pay the rent or electricity/water on time. And being told that if I pay my rent two days late, I need to tack on a $70 late fee. Because it costs a lot to run a shitty apartment complex with maintenance people who leave giant toddler-sized holes in your ceiling for months on end.

God, this place sucks. I can’t wait to be out of here and on to another shitty apartment I’ll spend the next year hating.

Sometimes I just get so fucking fed up with everything that I wish I could close my eyes tight and make everything freeze and fall silent until I’m equipped to deal with it. Which might as well be never. So sometimes I just lie there and stare at my arm. Time slows. The brain calms. But when you live with someone, he starts wondering what’s wrong and you have to talk about it and there are times when no amount of discourse will solve anything because trajectories are set and we’re destined to careen along them until the ride is over. So staring at the tiny spider-web patterns on the backs of my hands gives me pause. It’s dumb. So I didn’t do that today. Instead, I spent the day scowling, snapping, and huffing. It wasn’t pretty.

Phil even used his manly prowess to build a fire to try and warm us up since it takes a fucking act of Zeus to get heat into our living room. I went to the grocery and bought $6 worth of s’mores ingredients on my fucking Discover card. And it was nice, truly, sitting in front of the fire, shoving marshmallows into it on the end of a straightened coat hanger. We should have worn matching plaid flannel pajamas and had a photographer take our pictures with the pets. But my mood just wouldn’t quit.

I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and be fine. But I would much rather waste a bad mood at work than at home on an off day.