Upon arriving home from work tonight, I stepped into my kitchen and, as I do most nights, flicked on the back porch light to give the back yard a good once-over for burglars and rapists (you call it paranoid, I’ll call it being extra vigilant). My eyes scanned the yard and I noticed immediately that my bird feeder was AWOL. A-motherfucking-gain!
And then I looked directly below where it usually hangs, and saw THE MOST FEROCIOUS AND HUGE HAGBEAST OF A MAMMAL I HAVE EVER SEEN! Okay, that’s not true. But I did see a rather fetching, portly raccoon munching away at the feeder’s spilled contents. He hadn’t even flinched when I’d turned the light on. Or when I’d run to get my phone so I could get (horrible, awful, no good, very bad) video. Or when I started getting incensed at his nerve and knocked on the window and spat a mean name at him.
So I said, “Kitty, let’s go kick some raccoon ass!” to whichever cat happened to be tangled up between my feet at the time, and tromped back to the back bedroom, whose door is a smidge easier than the kitchen door to swing open dramatically and make a big scene. And then, in a fit of adrenaline-fueled bravado, I summoned my inner redneck (the same one who, when challenged in traffic, gets all crazed and starts tailgating and throwing up rude gestures and following cars down narrow and obscure streets), flung open the door and charged toward the furry thief, who managed clumsily to scale the ivy on the fence and take off to who knows where. And then I brought the feeder, which has been largely emptied, inside and stuck it in a closet. The cats are relatively sure I’ve hidden the goddamned Holy Grail in there, and are doing their best to seduce and paw and mew the door into submission.
Until I can figure out a way to repel raccoons, I guess I’ll be bringing the feeder in every evening before I head to work and putting it back out when I wake up. OH, FUN! Although, in all seriousness, that will probably save me $50 a month in food. These birds are eating me out of house and home! Which my mother said would happen, repeatedly, but a girl just has to see for herself sometimes.