My mom just sent me pretty much the best e-mail in the history of e-mails from mothers: Help!!! I am in Crazyland! Now all my new emails are loading, and each one of them are loading ten times apiemce. OMG I am going to commit hyperlink-acide. Goodbye. xoxo with pc passion preferring pleasure but perennially pissed! Please forego the lectures on the superiority of Macs! lol Keep in mind that my mom’s e-mails get to…
I’ve been struggling with sour soul lately, so I did a little bit of unplugging, including from Twitter, and what happens? Last night I get a notification that my mother is now following me. That flash you just saw? That was the illusion that I am not a foul-mouthed, drunken degenerate taking to the sky with pigs. So, Internet, welcome my mother to Twitter. She has three followers right now: Me, my sister, and “Britney…
… when your mother, who has volunteered to do your laundry, offers to give you money so you can buy yourself some sexier underwear.
My mother has been grieving for weeks over a ring that my dad gave her on April 1 four years ago that she lost recently. She left me the saddest voice mail earlier today, first recapping all the local news (my sister has pneumonia, my dad’s heart doctor appointment here in town is for the 9th, etc.) and then wrapping up the message by saying how she was kinda down today because of the missing…
When I was growing up, there was this book floating around our house called Speaking Southern Like It Should Be Spoke, and it was more or less a dictionary of Southernisms. What I can’t say for sure is whether or not it was mean or nice. Like, was it playful self-parody, or mean razzing from the outside? I’m not sure, and it’s even harder to tell since I can’t really find much out about that…
And by “it,” I mean The Crazy. Behold, some of the notes left around my parents’ house while they were out of town for the weekend: I kid; we’re not crazy. We just adore words and really like leaving incredibly long, detailed notes and voice mail messages. She’ll kill me if she finds out I’m broadcasting this stuff on the internet. Krissie, no snitching!
More evidence that my mom is a comedian just waiting for her big break: 1. “When I finally get Alzheimer’s, I’m going to get the good kind. I’ll just be laughing all the time!” 2. “I know you can’t stand watermelon, but it’s good for you! It makes you pee. Anything that makes you pee has to be good for you.”
I’m sitting in my parents’ kitchen, showing my sister how to work the iMac I’m giving her (farewell, trusty iMac; you did me right for four years and I will miss you mightily), and explaining the concept of the dock. Mom observes. Me: You can customize the size of the dock or move it around on the screen, whatever you want. [eyes Mom] Cool, huh? Y’all should buy a Mac. Come to the dark side!…
“I like early spring, but it’s just still kind of ugly. It’s like a wintertime fart.”
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