Internet, I feel like I have voluntarily cast myself into the desert and am not even halfway across the first dune. The thing is, the desert looked completely walkable at first glance, but now I realize that every step takes extra effort because I’m WALKING ON FREAKING STUPID SAND. 
I am, of course, being overly metaphorical here in my attempt to describe what it’s like to realize that I am only 80 pages in to InDesign InStyle and there are seemingly three thousand five hundred sixty four pages to go. I feel like maybe I need a new system to expedite the process, but then I think that that’s a coward’s way out. What I really need is to crank up the JT and just power through.
So here it comes: The power.
>>> Page 80 is the other half of that shitty perfume ad. It’s pink! It smells like roses! You’re dumb and upper middle class! Buy me! Fuck you, perfume. I prefer my natural musk, thankyouverymuch.
InStyle Insider. Events, On Location, so much text, I am dancing in my chair lamely and avoiding reading. Oh crap I just turned the page.
>>> ZZZZZZZZ
Tacori’s got its own ad featuring a key covered in bling. Is this a thing? Is there some recession symbolism in the image of a key? A key encrusted with diamonds bigger than my kidney? I don’t know. ANSWER ME, MAGAZINE, WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU.
>>> AAAAAAACK HEIDIBOT’S ABDOMINAL STORAGE CAVITY HAS SWOLLEN TO TWICE ITS SIZE!!! WON’T SOMEONE BLEED THE GAS LINE oh wait, there’s supposedly a baby in there. Huh.
>>> Here’s a two-page spread I can’t hate on: Rachel McAdams’ ten best looks EVAR! She is so cute I could just rip her face off and wear it as a mask until someone noticed and called the cops.
>>> General Foods International: +10 for the pun (“Get lost in the foam-ent”). -5 for the scary non-name of your company.
Here’s handsome Channing Tatum (who?) to be handsome in a suit that doesn’t seem to fit him very well. Handsome!
>>> Oh god, they’re letting him talk? I didn’t turn the page for this shit.
True Religion: 1988 called and wants its ad back your executives to perform seppuku. Haha, just kidding, you guys are all right.
>>> InStyle.com house ad that features both a snakeskin purse (that better be fake, you sick fucks) and a shoe that I pray was butchered in the Photoshop cutout process. Otherwise, holy lotus blossom feet, Batman.
L’oréal has made a cute little noose out of Eva Longoria’s hair and placed it seductively around her neck. That’s … weird.
>>> BlackBerry ad. “Blah blah deletes your data without warning blah blah randomly shuts itself off blah blah ugly interface hooey.”
MORE FUCKING SNAKESKIN. They are not kidding with this shit. Boots, shoes, jewelry, and a purse, in case you like to wear your blatant disregard for nature’s beauty on your person.
>>> Honora: I honestly can’t tell if your ad is selling blue jeans or anal beads. Either way, do not want.
“All About Pants” this page screams gleefully. Why, yes, I am all about pants too. We gals have been for a few decades now. Thanks for noticing, InStyle.
>>> Pants! Pants!
>>> Sing the praises of pants! (Especially those costing more than $88, the lowest price of the eight pairs featured.)
Fruit of the Loom coming through with a practical ad touting a line of undies that lack a pantyline. No complaints here.
>>> More pants, I guess? Oooh, here’s a $64 pair. But to be fair, they are cropped. Soooo…
Ugg ad. I shall keep my mouth shut since I own a knockoff pair and they are both warm and comfy.
>>> Rachel Bilson’s here with her three favorite fashion trends for spring! Yay! Rachel Bilson sounds like a perfectly reasonable name for a perfectly reasonable lady. Says Rachel, “Bras as tops: Kind of a throwback to the ’90s, but in a way you can make sophisticated.”
*facepalm*
Rachel Bilson also acquaints me with the name Nicholas Kirkwood, who is responsible for these … things.
You know what? I hate Rachel Bilson.
Eternity ad featuring hot family. As a rule, families with small children don’t smell great. Cover up your shame with expensive parfums!
>>> I take that back. This ad is for men’s cologne. I just opened the sample strip and now my house smells like a really insecure dude. Great.
PEOPLE HAS AN IPHONE APP GET OUT OF TOWN. What do you do with it? Just look at photos of celebrities? Is that … okay? I mean, would you feel okay doing that?
>>> Special K: Lose six pounds by eating nothing but two cups of bran flakes a day. Whee!
On the next page, a reader asks, “I love high heels, but how do I find comfortable ones?” I snort derisively. But then here’s a helpful tip: Gloves you can wear that will work with touchscreen phones and whatnot. Neat. Oh, they’re $165? Swell, I’ll stick with my fingerless gloves.
IT STILL SMELLS LIKE COLOGNE IN HERE, BLEH
>>> Oh, fun! We’ve reached the monthly “play up your physical assets!” story. This one’s called “Play Up YOUR ASSETS!” It features photos of the same incredibly slender and shiny-shinned model in various outfits meant to flatter her already bangin’ figure. Fortunately, there are several ways to look good if you’re happy with your waist, your chest, your butt, your arms, and/or your legs! Apparently all of them involve wearing stupid-looking shoes and standing like you have hip dysplasia.
>>> Big black SUV wants to take you to another income bracket.
>>> Philosophy, the company that will NEVER EVER stop sending you e-mail spam even though you have no idea how you got on their mailing list.
Here’s a cute little spread of dryer sheets I mean lingerie for spring!
>>> More lingerie! In black and white! In neon! With tiny little bows to remind your lover that you used to be a little girl!
>>> Lingerie in berry and black, for the neoquasigoth segment of the population (thanks a lot, Stephanie Meyer).
Sarah Jessica Parker has a new fragrance that is bottled in a container made entirely of broken leopard-print dreams from the ’80s.
>>> SWEET JESUS, I GET TO SMELL IT? I feel like a fucking VIP. Okay, here goes. My god, it’s the best-smelling thing in this book so far. And that includes the envelope I was using as a bookmark that I spilled coffee on last week. Kinda citrusy and summery.
An ad for RealSimple.com. I took Real Simple magazine accidentally for a few months and never could quite shake the feeling that it could have been half the size and still provided the same information. That’s a pretty deadly thought for a print wonk to think about a printed publication.
>>> Ladies, do you feel like your well-tailored suit jackets are just too fucking classy? Slap on a generic men’s tuxedo jacket and then be sure to get into candid photos that you’ll be sure to regret in ten years!
Silpada: If you peddle jewelry for us, you will be required to wear every piece we offer on your body every time you leave the house.
>>> GNC’s got a crapload of pills to make you a better woman. NINJA KICK!
>>> Jewelry featuring knots. I just ate peanut butter out of the jar.
Dove chocolates: Now with Martha Stewart’s incredibly obvious gift suggestions under the wrapper! (“Wrap chocolate in a love note and give as a gift.” REALLY MARTHA? That is a fucking Valentine’s Day breakthrough.)
>>> More jewelry you can’t afford. I am only eating peanut butter out of the jar because that GNC ad reminded me how important protein is.
An ad for some movie and some dude and some chick and Nicholas Sparks and feelings that most people have, probably.
>>> Oooh, a page of “deals and steals!” $75 ring, no. $98 jacket, meep. $40 tank top, ouch. $110 hideous shoes, barf. Ohhhh, I get it: STEALS. I gotcha, InStyle. Wink wink.
Detergent. The only thing on this spread you can buy for less than $40.
>>> DERMAdoctor cream. It’s purple! For some reason!
And so begins the beauty portion of the magazine. First up: Shimmery gold eyes! If I may offer one suggestion: Steer clear of putting actual glitter on your eyelids. Your corneas will thank you later.
>>> Trollbeads?!?!? “The new language of love.” ?!?!? Okay, so that’s a thing.
Okay, here come the anti-aging secrets. This is pretty exciting, like time travel!
>>> This involves a lot of cream. A lot of cream.
>>> Like, an uncomfortable amount of cream.
Perricone MD ad: OUR CREAM BREAKS BEAKERS PLEASE DON’T THINK ABOUT HOW THAT RELATES TO YOUR SKIN
>>> More cream than I have ever seen before.
Kim Kardashian’s new fragrance calls itself “voluptuous.” I don’t know why this person has a fragrance that is named for her, but just as soon as I was going to defend her from people who just want to slut-shame, I click over to her official website and see that she uses the mudflap girl as her logo on some of her official merchandise. Kim, I don’t care if you like to fuck, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STOP BEING FUCKING STUPID.
Oh hey, there’s -30- KITTY to tell me that this portion of the recap is over.
It’s probably for the best that I stop now, because I may or may not have spent some time just now tracking down that Kardashian sex tape, which, if you know me, signifies a major brain break. (Is it just me, or did those two do it up right? I mean, I think most porn in general is stupid and the dudes are gross and the women fake it — badly — but these two seemed to really be into it. So, good for them. Next time leave the camera off, you dipshits, so you don’t have to keep looking at it and making sure your angles are right.)
The good news is that we’re now in the home stretch of the desert! The next page is so exciting: 10 WAYS TO LOOK BETTER NAKED. Hopefully you’ll spend some time pondering the suggestions they might make. I know I sure will.
Haha, you called it InDesign, you designer you.
Ack! Acccckkk! Fixed. :)
i have a big crush on Rachel Bilson, i love her eyes.`”
i like chaning tatum because he has a great body, just look at those chest muscles ,;.