Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 9 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? I love you. 2. What makes mom happy? Being kind and respectful. 3. What makes mom sad? Her child getting injured. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? When she says “bonk.” 5. What was your mom like as a child? Cautious. 6. How old is your mom? 39. 7. How…
Content warning: Graphic descriptions of pregnancy loss We’re looking at a scabby, reddened wound on our dog Sarge’s side — a bite mark from some other moody dog at the park. It’s held together by two small silver staples. Richard looks at it under the light of his cell phone and pronounces that it is healing acceptably. “Injuries heal from the inside out,” he says. “Not from the outside in.” The dog seems fine, as…
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 8 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? Sweetie bear. 2. What makes mom happy? When I do my homework really fast. 3. What makes mom sad? When I say cuss words. Or when I call her stupid. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? You give me the tickle tackle. 5. What was…
I could write a million words (and probably will) on what it’s like to parent this child, but I believe the essence of everything I could ever say is captured in this image.
Some day you’ll be thirty-seven and you’ll have this amazing, eclectic collection of friends all around the country. People who, even if it’s been months or years since you’ve seen them, always seem to feel like home when they come around. You’ll be lucky, you know. But you’ll need to make more friends, specific friends — the kind who have children who go to the same school as your kid, who are in the same…
Before you have children, you think, I won’t be one of those parents who uses fear and coercion to control my children’s behavior. Guess what, pal. You’re wrong! You’ll use whatever desperate tactics your exhausted lizard brain can muster in whatever theatre of parenting war you’re enduring at any given moment. And guess what the native tongue of your lizard brain is. That’s right, you pitiful, clueless dolt: Fear. My child convinced me right before…
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 7 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? Bonk. 2. What makes mom happy? Flushing the toilet and wiping my butt and washing my hands. 3. What makes mom sad? When I call you stupid. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? You fart. 5. What was your mom like as a child? I…
Holden, On your seventh birthday, when I picked you up from your dad’s house, as you were buckling yourself in, I said: “In celebration of your birthday, what song would you like to hear?” “Any song?” you asked. You already had me trapped and I didn’t even know it. “Any song,” I said. You wanted to hear the song on the mixed CD in my car that you heard part of once (before I realized…
I don’t know if you nonparents know this, but at this very moment there are no less than six dozen Power Rangers iterations available on Netflix, including Power Rangers MegaForce, Power Rangers Super MegaForce, Power Rangers Dino Charge, Power Rangers Super Dino Charge, Power Rangers Ninja Steel, Power Rangers Into the Jungle, Power Rangers Mystic Force … I could keep going. Here is how we like to consume Power Rangers in my house: ALL AT…
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. Holden, 6 years old: 1. What is something mom always says to you? Stop getting in Sandy’s face. 2. What makes mom happy? To listen and get out of Sandy’s face. 3. What makes mom sad? When I don’t listen to you. 4. How does your mom make you laugh? By saying I’m gonna poop in your face. 5. What…
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