I started smelling it on Wednesday, at first in quick bursts when the wind blew: The sour, thick stench of death somewhere in the yard. I was down by the driveway gate, putting a trash bag in the bin, and I noticed it and thought ew, something smells dead and got on with my business. The next day, I smelled it again. I was on the deck, watering plants, and it hit me like a…
I need to say this right now: I am happy. I am grateful. I am in love and working hard and creating and thinking and striving and questioning and all the things that make me feel real and human and in progress. I don’t have doubts about the big questions in my life. Once upon a time I feared that I would never love or be loved. I am lucky that I have found someone…
I’m getting married. You hear me? Married. MARRIED! I’m not sure I ever really believed I’d do such a thing. Once upon a time I was in high school when marriage was entirely abstract and I had dreams about Husbands and Children but in reality I knew I had to go to college and do some other shit first so it was a nice thought but nothing too pressing. And then some boys told me…
It’s hard to think about without wincing but sometimes my mind wanders and I think of the stupid things I’ve done to get men to love me. How I’ve shushed that voice inside me that protested. How I’ve talked my way around it. How I knew going in that it was a bad idea but how I convinced myself that no matter what at least I’d get a good story out of it. It’s always…
My mom said something to me a few months ago, right after I had made the leap to move into my own place and try to start a new, better life. She said, “Linz, you don’t know what it’s like to have a man love you. You’ve not had it yet. When it happens, though, you’ll know it.” She said it with frustration. Not toward me, but toward all the men in the world who’ve…
People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.…
It is weird to be watched. To have someone waiting for you display how human you are so he can come after you and exploit your weaknesses. To be the target of an emotional sniper. I wonder if he knows the damage he’s doing. Not to me, though. I’ve been working on being immune to that garbage for a long time and it’s finally taking hold. [][][] I’ve taken the week off from work. Naturally,…
Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly wistful, I think that it would be nice to get married someday — don’t laugh! It’s possible that someone might actually consider me suitable for legally enforced, lifelong partnership some day before I die! — and if that were to happen, I would want this song to be the first song we danced to as a married couple, be it on a floor of grass or sand or wooden planks…
I want him to know that I tried really, really hard.
The man was wearing a bright red shirt — was it red? Lord, my memory is bad — and he was smoking a cigarette outside the chain-link entrance to a parking lot Downtown, a grin creeping across his face as we walked closer. “I don’t know if y’all are married or not,” he said, “and I didn’t want to say anything, but if you’re not, you better be soon!” We looked at each other and…
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